Last night I got the news that my dog died. Her name was Belle, and she was a small Bichon Frise and she had been in my life for as long as I can remember. My mom tells the story of how I wasn’t even three years old when we had gone to the breeder to pick out a dog. According to my mom I walked around observing all of the dogs but had my heart set on the smallest dog in the litter and we had no other choice but to take her home with us.
I always called Belle my little girl because she was more than just a pet, she was my friend and we grew up together. The most painful part about her passing is that I can’t go home to say goodbye. I’m at college 750 miles from home and I can’t help but think about all the time that I missed with her. I feel a little guilty for going to school so far from home because Belle has had a myriad of health problems over the past year and I knew that she didn’t have a lot of time left.
Over the past day I’ve found myself crying at the weirdest times. I was in a class discussion about the philosophy of Hobbes and started to tear up. I am also a DJ for my school’s radio station and I was playing Caravan by Van Morrison and started to cry in the booth even though the song has no particular significance to me. I have to keep reminding myself that losing a pet is real loss and it is okay to be upset. Especially, losing a pet when you are away at school it’s easy to focus on the space and in a sense emptiness by not being with your pet or family to say goodbye.
Losing Belle is a type of loss I haven’t ever felt before and I am trying to understand what not having her around anymore is going to mean for me. Unfortunately, it will be another three months until I go back home and I know it won’t be the same without her. She would always run to the door, her nails tapping on the linoleum floors to greet me and it’ll be these small things that will be the most missed.
If you have ever lost a pet while away at school and feel like you missed precious time or missed saying goodbye, I am so sorry. In navigating my own grief I think the best thing to do is spend time with other pets. That can be going to a pet store or visiting friends and their pets because while it may hurt a little it can also feel good to show another pet some love.