If you are a Chicagoan:
Break The Rules and call dibs on every parking spot on your block using various dumpster-worthy plastic chairs. Deny that it was you.
Proclaim that Da Bears are the worst team in the league, loudly and clearly.
Leave the house 10 minutes before your relatives’ plane is scheduled to land.
(Midway Airport is most definitely no longer this aesthetically pleasing)
If you are not a Ukrainian American:
Bring holodets to your family dinner potluck. Assure the hostess that it is not soup.
If you are surrounded by Trump supporters, and no one in the house is Ukrainian, sing the Ukrainian National Anthem. If they ask if you’re an evil communist, say yes. If they start yelling about how university turns children into brainwashed liberals, just keep humming.
If you are indeed a Ukrainian American:
Tell Mama and Tato that this year, you are not going to make faces at the holodets, and then proceed to obnoxiously gag.
Lie that you forgot to buy smatana (sour cream). Get ready to sprint in order to avoid getting thunked by the wooden spoon.
Proclaim that Ukrainian cuisine has too much fat and cholesterol, and that we should all stop eating kielbasa sausage, starting today. Again, keep an eye out for the wooden spoon so that you don’t lose an eye.
If you’re surrounded by Ukrainian Americans who voted for Trump, remind them about how much Trump messed up DACA for the kids, how much Trump loves Putin, and how he tried to deny the country billions in military aid.
Bonus Points: These can work even if you aren’t Ukrainian; however, if you are, it’s Super Effective:
If you are surrounded by Trump supporters, and there’s peach cobbler for dessert, ask for the recipe. Explain that you are planning to throw an imPEACHment themed party, and the more peach themed recipes, the better.
Let the cat/dog have a chicken leg, because dammit, he deserves it. In order to avoid being whacked by a wooden spoon, sprint out of the kitchen like you’re back in PE running the Pacer Test.
When adult men ask you where your boyfriend is and why you don’t have one, turn around and ask them about their boyfriends. Grin like the Cheshire Cat.
Run outside in the bitter Chicago frost without a hat on. Tell your mom about it. If you cannot find your mom, tell Babcia (grandma) about it.