There are various ways to go about losing a friend, but one of the fastest and most efficient is giving them a terrible reaction when they come out to you. There is no ambiguity around the hardships queer people face in coming to terms with their identity and then getting to express it, and one major obstacle is telling the people around them, especially their friends.
Having been in those shoes myself, I can confirm that I was positively terrified of having all my friends scorn and reject me. I knew them, knew that they were allies or members of the community themselves and yet I sustained the irrational fear of being invalidated by those closest to me because of a part of me that I couldn’t change and had only just learned to love.
Coming out to parents is terrifying, there is no refuting it, but surprisingly, I was more anxious when it came to my friends because I chose them. I didn’t chose my family, they didn’t chose me, and I managed to convince myself that if they reacted badly it was caused by some cosmic error outside of my control, but that excuse didn’t work on my friends.
Having heard from a fair number of queer people and through my personal experience, I have now a list of the worst possible reactions to coming out and the number of seconds you’ll lose your friend in if you chose them. It goes something like this:
First, the obvious, the homophobic shock and recoil. The last thing one needs from a friend after swallowing half a million fears and shaking off dozens of societal pressures is seeing someone recoiling from your very being. Homophobia is a learned behaviour, and one that should be actively and immediately unlearned after discovery, and no excuse whether of age or upbringing or area is valid. If you’re an educated person who managed to form your own opinions on career, love, marriage and politics that don’t line up with your parents or your peers, then you can do the same about sexuality. There is no excuse for choosing to hate people that did nothing to wrong you. This one takes the cake as the lowest scorer, where you’ll lose your friend in under a second.
Second, the ‘oh my god, don’t fall in love with me hehe’. Sounds tame compared to what we began with, yes, but isn’t much far behind on the annoyance charts. It shouldn’t need an explanation, but the same way a heterosexual person isn’t attracted to every member of the opposite gender, queer people are not attracted to every member of the gender of their preference. Suddenly acting uncomfortable doing things you didn’t mind before right after is also a sufficiently huge no. If you weren’t uncomfortable around me in a crop top before, you shouldn’t be now. I’m not a different person than I was. This one clocks in at a solid 6 seconds.
Third, the ‘oh I know’ or the ‘duh. It’s obvious. I’ve always known’. Chances are that in the process of discovering this part of themselves and then in the subsequent period of owning their identity and building the courage to share it this person has put in considerable efforts to hide it, which doubtless took a toll on them. In one sentence you invalidate all of their efforts and deflate the moment you should’ve used to celebrate your friend instead. Yes, it’s possible that you had a hunch that happened to be correct, but the instance your friend has chosen to share this with you isn’t the one you need to use to prove your intelligence. This one is at 10 seconds, only because it’s marginally better than outright hate.
In essence, the experience of coming out varies from person to person, and you don’t need to have a manual or set of instructions to be supportive. Just match the energy of the person whose moment it is. If they’re bubbly and excited, celebrate with them. If they’d rather keep it low-key, keep it casual. All they want is to know that you still care for them and love them, and that the only difference this revelation makes to you is that you is that your friend gets to experience something new and exciting.
Note: This article in no way intends to offend or invalidate the experience or opinion of anyone who has ever come out. It is simply an opinion piece based on personal experience.