Contrary to popular opinion, I hate birthdays. There is no way to sugarcoat it.
And before you peg me as an antisocial, aloof, and reclusive person, hear me out.
Until a few years ago, I loved celebrating my birthday.
I would go all out with the decorations and party planning. I even used to start preparing weeks before, for the idea of getting older seemed like a real prize.
I thought growing up would give me freedom and independence, but what I did not anticipate was that these things come at a price.
I dread birthdays, not because I’m unsociable, but because I’m haunted by my thoughts.
In another two weeks, I shall be turning 21. The mere thought of me completing another year, with so much still unaccomplished and so much of life still unseen, still unfelt, feels daunting.
When you enter your 20s, there are a set of societal and familial expectations you are required to live up to. Add to that your to-do list. And ta-da, you have a zillion tasks on your plate. For me, birthdays are a reminder of all things still undone, while time keeps running out.
Another reason why birthdays seem to overwhelm me is the plethora of emotions that accompany them.
On one end, there’s gratitude towards all those people who try to make my day better. But, on the other end, there’s heavy nostalgia.
I can never not think about my whole childhood and all the cherishable memories I made throughout the years.
In these nostalgic moments, my mind meanders through the alluring field seeded with memories, and I feel I’m lost. It’s as if the person I am today is never coming back. I’ve changed before, and I’ll change again because change is the only constant.
All of this, however, is a matter of fact.
Time will slip by. You and I will get older, and there will always be a long way ahead. After all, as Anthony Bourdain once said:
“Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom…is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.”
Anthony Bourdain