There has been an outpouring of anger and emotion on social media, with many women (both cis-gendered and trans) speaking out about their experiences with sexual harassment, sexual assault, and sexual violence, following the disappearance of Sarah Everard this month.
On March 3rd, 2021, a 33-year-old Marketing Executive went missing while she was walking home.
Ms Everard disappeared while walking home from a friend’s house in Clapham, South London. After extensive searches from the authorities, her body was sadly discovered in woodland near Ashton in Kent – more than 50 miles from where she was last seen.
Detectives investigating Sarah’s disappearance arrested Wayne Couzens, a serving Met Police officer in his 40’s, accused of kidnapping and murdering Ms Everard.
Many people were stating that Ms Everard had “done everything right” – which should not be something that women are judged on in the face of violence, it should not be something that we need to distinguish, but unfortunately today it still is.
By all accounts, she had done everything right – she had left her friends’ house in Clapham at a reasonable time, had planned a route home which was well-lit with streetlights on every path, she had called her boyfriend while she was walking and had dressed in bright clothing. However, unfortunately for many women, there is no “right” thing, and this proved it.
From a very young age, young girls are taught what they should do, they have been brought up to avoid something happening to them, as if it is their responsibility – to carry their keys in their hands, to always have their phone on them but not look at it, to avoid wearing headphones to allow you to hear what is happening, and to tuck your hair into your hood. This mentality, while important, is not all it takes to avoid those types of encounters, and many who present as a female can attest to that.
The truth is that it is so dangerous to present as a female in this day and age. We are subjected to catcalling, being followed both by cars and random men and incredibly inappropriate remarks pointed at us – to name a few things that women go through daily. It takes more than us doing everything “right” in society’s standards to avoid being victims of abuse, it takes a change in behaviour on the man’s part.
#NotAllMen
Then, the hashtag began being circulated. The #NotAllMen movement began gaining traction on social media – instead of asking “how can we help? What can we do?” Those contributing to the hashtag were doing more harm with the claim that it’s not all men.
It is no secret that most of the violence that occurs between genders, is by men against women. #NotAllMen adds nothing to the conversation and instead dismisses the lived experience of so many women.
This is a conversation surrounding the danger to those who present as female today, and by claiming this some people made the conversation about them. Men’s rights and conversations around men’s issues are important but bringing it up every time a conversation arises surrounding women’s safety (e.g., #MeToo) trivialises it. It is not the time nor the place. This is our time to speak about what dangers we face daily.
We have never said it is all men. Personally, I have never said “It’s all men!” after I have suffered abuse at the hands of certain men – it is quite clear that no two men are the same. Those who present as females today do not automatically think all men are the same.
I spoke to two men, James Mustchin, a Video Editor and Social Media Manager for FourStarPizza, and Adam Scully, an Editor for the United Stand MUFC and a Feature Analyst at @TotalAnalysis. I asked them what their opinion on the hashtag was.
Adam explained: “It’s so important for men to listen to these stories with empathy, rather than brushing it off as #NotAllMen, which is typical of those who lack education on a certain topic”.
He went on to question what exactly they expect to gain from saying that – “do they want some kind of commendation for not sexually assaulting a woman, or making her feel uncomfortable?… It’s understandable that it’s not all men, but it is still men, and rather than dismissing the issue because of bigotry and fear of societal change, we should educate ourselves”.
All men have the responsibility to call out misogyny, not women.
James explained his stance on the hashtag, “I have strong opinions on #NotAllMen which began trending on Twitter, by men.”
He went on to explain what so many other females are saying – “Women aren’t saying that it’s all men, they’re saying that it’s all women who are victims. The hashtag gives off an impression to me that instead of men saying ‘yes, some men do these actions and this needs to change’, they’re saying ‘I’ve never done it, so don’t blame me’”.
“All men have the responsibility to see and call out misogyny, not women”.
Truthfully, we do not have time to differentiate when we are being followed, or when we are surrounded in a club. Not to mention, it is impossible. We cannot look at a group of men and pick out the ones that will not harm us, the ones we can trust to walk us home. Sometimes the most dangerous people appear to the kindest and the most innocent.
“All we can do is listen. Listen, listen, listen.”
Among those that aren’t helping with their comments, many men have been asking us those important questions – “how can we help? What can we do?”, showing us that instead of dismissing our experiences, they are our allies, amplifying our voices and ensuring we are heard.
I asked James and Adam what they would recommend (from a man’s perspective) other men can do to help relieve the anxieties women face.
Adam explained, “all we can do is listen and take heed of how they feel with an open mind and ensure that we do everything possible to avoid making them feel this way”. He recommended “whether that be to cross the street, call out people you know who are making snide, sexist remarks, go and get help if you see a woman who might be in trouble.”
“And I really can’t stress this enough, we need to listen”.
When speaking to James about this topic, it felt reassuring to hear the similarities between both of their answers on how men can make women feel safer – “It’s all simple things. Don’t catcall, don’t objectify. If a woman is alone and it’s dark, keep your distance or cross the street. These things should be common sense to all men, but unfortunately, some men chose not to acknowledge this”.
To break it down – Point out the unacceptable behaviours from your friends – if you stay quiet when your friend makes a misogynistic or questionable remark, you’re part of the problem.
Step in if you see a woman looking uncomfortable.
Look out for your female friends, and don’t let them walk home alone late at night. Let them know you are there for them.
If you’re walking behind a woman, keep your distance, or even better just cross the street (it significantly reduces our anxiety).
There is a lack of men’s voices speaking up against violence towards women – now’s your time. Our voices are finally being heard; articles are finally being written on the topic in mainstream news, a change is finally happening – the least men can do is amplify it.