Today is National Coming Out Day so I wanted to share my experience with the closet and coming out of it. While this could revolve a lot around how I came to realize I was queer, I think that’s a story for another day. For now, I’ll start with “coming out” to all of you. Hello, I’m Emi and I’m pansexual.
It started in high school. After doing a lot of reading on the Internet, I felt sure enough of my orientation to tell someone about it. I first came out to my two closest friends. I don’t remember the details. It went smoothly enough, an online confession framed with gentle, supportive words.
Parents followed. In a spur of the moment, following something my mom said that I don’t remember, I responded with “Hey, that’s kind of like me.” She furrowed her eyebrows and turned and looked at me, then asked, “What?” A deep breath later and I explained, “Like how I’m a pansexual.” For a moment she froze, but then the questions poured out. I don’t ever remember telling my dad, but I guess my mom shared because whenever it came up after that, he seemed to know what I was talking about. My parents reacted fairly well, but it was pretty clear they were still in the “It’s just a phase” state of mind. I didn’t let them stay that way. Every opportunity I could, I brought up my sexuality. I’m sure it got repetitive and annoying, but I was determined to make them see it was real.
I think they finally realized I was serious when I let them know I’d been dating a girl. In an act of desperation for advice about a bad relationship, I confessed to my mom I’d been seeing a girl and needed to know if it was time to get out. My mom was shocked, but between that and the fact I’d gone behind her back about it, I think she realized how important it was to support me. After that, my parents did a lot of research and asked a lot of questions. They wanted to understand how I felt. Now, they just accept it as part of me.
As time went on, I told more people. A group of close school friends came next. Coincidentally, my coming out led a lot of them to explore their own identity and come out themselves. College was a whole different ballgame though. Trying to figure out which of all the new people I met were the ones who’d be actual friends that I could trust. I came out to my roommate first, and she was chill about the whole thing, having been in a GSA in high school. Once I’d gotten a solid friend group, I told them as well. They were confused (most people who haven’t heard of pansexuality are), but nothing really changed. They took me as I was.
I will admit, my experience is not typical. The people in my life were all incredibly accepting. A lot of LGBTQ+ struggle to be accepted by the people they love, and my heart deeply goes out to them. But I hope this article shows that the closet never goes away. Every new person you meet and get close to, you have to run a calculation. Should I tell this person? Can I trust this person? Will they react badly? What will happen if they do? Will this negatively impact my life? In the end, there are some people you never tell, and sometimes that’s hard. Coming out is exhausting, but it’s also liberating. Ultimately though, you’re never really done coming out.