Hey Ed.
I think that’s a super weird name for you, but I guess it makes sense because Eating Disorder… ED… Ed. You definitely sound like a dumbass, rude, needy little boy, so you’re probably not a Mia or Ana anyway. Have you been watching How I Met Your Mother with me? Probably, because I noticed Lilly getting pregnant because she was gaining weight… I trace the lines of Robin’s arms instead of looking at her face. And I am constantly measuring bellies or thinking about the last time I watched HIMYM straight through. It was the first show you let me sit down for in a long time.
Anyway. You know how Barney says, “I’m gonna teach you how to live?,” to Ted? Well, I think you need some help learning how to live too… so let’s look at Barney’s theories:
1. The Three Days Rule
Instead of waiting three days to call my latest hook up, if you get annoying you have to follow meal plan for three days… and yes, that includes dessert AND exercise restrictions.
2. The Hot/Crazy Scale
This one is easy… the less hot you think I am, the crazier you are.
3. The Lemon Law
If, at any time, you get too loud and obnoxious and restricting … from food or life … well then, I get to call it a day and go to bed, ignore the crap out of you, shut you up with Netflix… essentially remove you from my life for the immediate moment until I can actually deal with your bullshit.
4. The International Date Line
Sometimes I have to take time to figure out if you’re crashing a date … and then if it’s going to become a date with you and nothing else. I’m getting better at this, but sometimes you look really tempting. That might just be a cheerleader effect making you look so good and tempting.
5. Crazy Eyes
If I look in the mirror and see crazy eyes, we’re going out for ice cream and Netflix so I can chill (lol Netflix and chill and chill).
6. Freeway Theory
I’ve taken the exit from you, and I’ve gone around the clover leaf, but my Google Maps is getting better so I’m getting way more adept at figuring out when you’ll offer prime opportunities to push me back on to our relationship freeway AND how to get off at my own exits.
7. Chain of Screaming
You scream at me, I scream at therapy (not at friends).
8. Date-Time Continuum
“I will never make plans without consulting you” has become “how long has it been since I made plans with Ed?” And there’s no math involved to see how long we’ve been a thing vs. how long it’s been since I thought of you etc. So suck it.
9. Reacher/Settler
We alllll know who’s reaching in this one.
10. A Perfect Week
7 days without you.
11. The Ewok Line
I can mark the day you came into my life, the day you started to leave, our ups and our downs… so I can mark the times I liked food and the times I didn’t by those days… we’re going to be done with that and focus on cute ewoks instead.
12. The Mermaid Theory
Eventually I’ll want to get back together with you, and some days you’ll be more attractive and others less. You’ll always be around, but I know how to avoid you.
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