There comes a point in the semester when all you want to do is bury your sorrows in a milk-laden bowl of everyone’s favorite breakfast food, reminiscing about the simpler days of your childhood when you willingly woke up at 7am for the morning cartoons. Maybe that point in the semester is finals time, or maybe that point in the semester is right now. Either way, here you are at the Commons cereal bar, bowl in hand, debating which cereal to have three bowls of for dinner.
That’s where I come in with a careful and dedicated ranking of the Commons cereals. All of this information was gathered during one evening at Commons, with several trips to the cereal bar, and with many a questioning stare from other diners.
10. Raisin Bran
As we’ve already established, the last thing you want is to be further reminded of is adulthood. This cereal makes me want to pay taxes while discussing the problems with today’s youth. The only upside is that it has so much fiber that it resists sogginess.
9. Cheerios
Turns out that when Cheerios aren’t coated in powdered sugar or honey, they’re not that good. They instead have the distinct flavor of cardboard.
8. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Much like the Cheerios, this cereal is a lot like eating cardboard, but with a generous coating of cinnamon sugar.
7. Rice Chex (Chocolate & Regular)
Props to Commons for providing a gluten-free option! It is, however, unfortunate that these relatively tasteless cereals are the only options for our gluten-free folks out there.
6. Fruity Pebbles
Happy to be finally in the realm of the nostalgic childhood cereals, I was perhaps a little overly eager to start eating these. So, first, a warning to other cereal enthusiasts: CHOKING HAZARD. After that little embarrassing mishap, I was disappointed to find that their unique citrus-y flavor doesn’t pair well with other cereals. Overall, while still good, Fruity Pebbles were a speed bump in my cereal marathon.
5. Rice Krispies
Is there really anything more satisfying than that snap, crackle, and pop? This delicious and entertaining cereal sent me on a nostalgia trip for so long that by the time I came back, it was too soggy to eat. It’s definitely a worthwhile cereal to eat when trying to escape your responsibilities.
4. Frosted Mini Wheats
They may get soggy thirty seconds after meeting milk, and they may have zero consistency when it comes to the sugar to shredded wheat ratio, but is there really anything more satisfying than finding that perfectly balanced mini wheat?
3. Froot Loops
An absolute childhood favorite. The milk manages to round their flavor so they’re not sickeningly sweet, but still distinctly fruity. There’s also something pleasant about just looking at these colorful little loops, so that even before eating them I start to feel better about my life and the world as a whole.
2. Frosted Flakes
Arguably the most perfect cereal. They have just the right amount of sweetness, and even when soggy they’re still delicious—can any other cereal claim that? Honestly, Frosted Flakes should probably be number one on this list…
1. Marshmallow Mateys
…but I just have such strong feelings about Marshmallow Mateys. Never before has an off-brand, knock-off cereal been so delicious. Unlike the more familiar Lucky Charms, Marshmallow Mateys’ cereal pieces actually taste good, and I don’t find myself only picking out the marshmallows to eat. The marshmallows themselves are unrecognizable in a sort of eclectic, charming way that only makes you love them more because of all the fun you’ll get puzzling over them.
Seriously, what are any of these?
Marshmallow Mateys is satisfying in the same way finding your favorite indie band is: Maybe it’s not the best band out there, but it’s good for what it is, and you can take a secret pride in the fact that you’re the only one who knows about it. (And hey, those concerts are a whole lot cheaper.)
—Critic’s Note: In the sugar delirium that inevitably ensues after eating over ten bowls of cereal, myself and my assisting taste tester forgot to try Cap’n Crunch Berries. I apologize for the disservice we have done to you, the reader, and to the Cap’n by leaving it out of this review.