Aries: March 21 – April 20
Neptune’s placement in the solar system this month has blessed you with heightened hand-eye coordination. Enter as many fundraiser tournaments as you can. And get yourself on an intramural softball team pronto – those basketball boys have been asking for a beating for years, and you’re just the one to do it.
Taurus: April 21 – May 21
That GI virus’ contagiousness shows no mercy, and Orion’s Belt suggests that you won’t be getting any mercy from anyone for a while. Be extra cautious of going Number Two in public. You wouldn’t want to be stuck on the second level of the library, of all places, for 24 hours, would you?
Gemini: May 22 – June 21
Look up at the stars. Now back at me. Now back at the stars. Now back at me. Now down. Back up. Where are you? You’re in class – surrounded by people who smell a lot better than you do. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It’s the empty stick of deodorant you’ve been neglecting to replace. On behalf of everyone around you, I implore you to replace it right this minute.
Cancer: June 22 – July 22
Game of Thrones came back on April 6th. Mad Men returns this coming Sunday. Plus, it’s formal season, then Frolics, then final exams. In other words, it’s crunch time. Do you really have time to cross “Watch the entirety of [insert cult show here]” off your bucket list? Of course not. Should you do it anyway? Absolutely. The pop culture gods will favor you for the rest of eternity.
Leo: July 23 – August 21
Easter break presents you with myriad opportunities for fun and/or relaxation. The only place you won’t find that respite, though, is on campus. You deserve something exciting for once in your life! Also, Commons won’t be open, and we know that’s a much more pressing issue than treating yourself to a getaway.
Virgo: August 22 – September 23
Love may or may not be in the air for Virgo this month, but a Tinder hookup definitely is. Take a few decent selfies, think of a witty tagline for your bio, and swipe, swipe, swipe. And who knows, after a few dates, you may realize you’ve found Your Person. Or at least A Person.
Libra: September 24 – October 23
Finals are nearly upon us. Luckily, the stars spoke to yours truly, master astrologist, to give you ample warning – your friends will procrastinate their studying. They will use you to do so. Unless you want them to dig up embarrassing Facebook photos of you in braces and ill-fitting Aeropostale, you should probably perform some social media maintenance. Soon.
Scorpio: October 24 – November 22
Last month, your email inbox held some welcome surprises. This month, your outbox will have some surprises of its own. Be hyper-aware of potential typos and unintentional recipients – not that your employer wouldn’t find a “pubic service reminder” meant for your eating house or fraternity rather amusing.
Sagittarius: November 23 – December 22
So, your March Madness bracket didn’t fare too well… I have no sympathy. Neither did mine. Yes, I’m bitter about it, and yes, I take pleasure in the fact that your bracket was worse than Shaquille O’Neal’s acting career. Your luck is slightly on the upswing for the month of April, though. Consider buying a scratch-off lottery ticket to gain back what you lost in your NCAA pool.
Capricorn: December 23 – January 20
As the school year winds down and academics and social lives get more wound up, it’s tempting to go days at a time without sleep. Just know that Venus has some entertaining dreams in store for you that you won’t want to miss (like flying around a waterpark or being best friends with Jimmy Fallon or putting a mayonnaise sandwich in a blender, for example). And naps – oh, sweet Lord, the naps. Don’t even get me started.
Aquarius: January 21 – February 19
Even beings on Mars can see you’ve been ogling that attractive individual from afar for weeks. Luckily for you, said individual is completely obtuse and hasn’t noticed… yet. Now is the time to have a sense of self-agency and let your crush know how you feel – unless you’d rather they hear about it from someone else. And by “someone else,” I mean YikYak.
Pisces: February 20 – March 20
Simply put, you don’t have enough quesadillas in your life. You’ve been neglecting that ever-so-important food group in the FDA’s College Student Food Pyramid. Campus Summit and the Union have tasty ‘dillas, but the stars encourage you to be adventurous in April – fire up the stove and melt some cheese on a tortilla. Or a flatbread. Or regular bread. Or noodles. Or other cheese. Or anything, really. It’s cheese; I promise it’ll taste good.