1. You’re more lonely.
I don’t know about you, but when I was in the throes of restriction and obsessive exercising, I was always comforted by Ed’s voice reminding me of my stringent plans. I was always achieving something, until Ed would remind me I was never achieving enough. There was also an easily accessible world of people with the same goals as me in life: get ‘healthy’ and be ‘perfect.’
But now without Ed, I can actually fully enjoy my friends’ company. I can relax with my boyfriend and not with Ed. I can go out to get dinner with my friends and not have Ed there.
2. Shopping for clothes.
I am convinced there is a secret conspiracy that makes sure clothes in most stores can all look decent on a bone-thin frame… but I think that was actually just Ed’s voice telling me that I looked good in the clothes because the number on the tag was smaller than it used to be. There’s also, of course, the fact that stores are COVERED in posters of ONE body type that is IMMENSELY exhausting to shop around. I guess those also help reinforce the idea that clothes only look good on one body type.
Of course, going up two (two!) bra sizes was nice. And actually having my butt back has been pretty great. Plus gaining my weight back meant shopping, which is still fun because y’all, shopping! #consumerism
3. Sitting around.
Now that I’m doing “less” than I was during my love-affair with Ed, he likes to whisper horrible things to me when I’m relaxing. Things like, “you’re not good enough.” It’s hard to really get into Glee my really cool Netflix shows when there’s someone reminding you of all of your perceived flaws all at once and on constant repeat.
A year ago at this point, though, I was having legitimate panic attacks when I wanted to watch TV or sit around with people… so the fact that I can curl up under a blanket with ice cream and ‘flix is great.
4. Being around large (or small) groups of women you’re not incredibly close to.
I used to be able to silence the voice that told me I wasn’t worth humanity by looking around, being the smallest person in the room or if not the smallest, working the hardest to be as small as possible. And of course, small and healthy were all wrapped into one, so that constant social reinforcement for being “healthy” only strengthened my habit of measuring my worth against others’ size. Without the constant reassurance of my “commitment” to Ed’s habits, I sit around a group of women and easily get lost in figuring out how much bigger ____insert any body part here____ is than _____insert any other woman and sometimes men here_____.
I guess now I have to look at other things to remind myself why I’m awesome, and most of those things are my things and can’t really be compared so easily. The comparison process is slowed down just enough to let me realize I’m getting close to the edge, and I try to snap out of it to enjoy company for who they are.
5. Being in a swimsuit around other people.
There aren’t many times in life you’re this physically exposed to others, and the absolute disgust you feel with your healthifying body can make you avoid shorts, let alone a bikini. The only other time is if you decide to get *intimate* with someone. And that’s just as terrifying sometimes. Your entire drive to do anything related to any body-exposing activity can get in the way of relationships and friendships.
However, I don’t have to get out of the pool after 10 minutes because I get tired. And my boyfriend insists that I look way better in a swimsuit now that it doesn’t hang weirdly off of skin n’ bones. So if I’m basing things entirely off of how I look and how comfortable I am with that, then I guess… it’s kind of better for me now.
6. Going to the gym
Lol no tricks here, this shit rocks now.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, everything that might feel really bad and get you really down are still way better than things used to be. Because, at the end of the day, you’re learning how to figure out to live on your own, and that’s amazing– both the good and the bad.
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