I believe that I have experienced more rejection than the average 20 year old should. I feel like I have gotten at least six major rejections per year since I was twelve, all ranging from different categories of my life. But hey, that’s part of the life I chose. As a musical theater performer, you have multiple auditions a year for different companies and different productions. I have auditioned for over twenty productions, and about 90% of them resulted in me either not getting cast or not getting the role I auditioned for. And let me tell you, no matter how many times I go through it, the disappointment still hurts like a b****.
You put in the work for weeks at a time, and sometimes if there is a really special audition, a year of your life is put into preparing for something that will take at most, two minutes. That is so crazy to me. You work and work and work, and once you finally get your shot, it’s over in a minute and a half. There is so much preparation that goes into it. You spend days picking the right song, the right monologue, the right outfit. You take vocal lessons, acting lessons, and dance classes. You spend extra hours in the gym working your cardio because you know your performance is best when you build up your breath endurance. I can count on both hands multiple times the nights my family would gather in my room as I pulled different dresses and we voted on which I should wear for an audition that would last a minute and a half.
My auditions were always a family affair, and one everyone had a part in. During the pandemic, my sisters sat in our living room, editing my reels and watching a dance audition I was going to submit as if it were one of their soccer reels and shouted adjustments as I did the dance at least 15 times in one night. My grandma always lights a candle and dedicates a rosary for me the night before any audition. If there were a dance audition, my mom would braid my hair really tight so that I wouldn’t have to deal with fly-aways. My dad would send me motivational videos or clips from our favorite bad movies that would make me laugh and loosen me up.
What’s just as bad as the moment of rejection is the perpetual waiting. Most of the directors I have worked with in my life have preferred to send out cast lists via email, which I appreciate. Depending on how chaotic the director decides to be, they can choose to send the list out either during school hours, which is always brutal, or after school hours. Trust me, you do not want to be around 10+ performers who all audition for one role that will at maximum only go to two people. But each rejection hurts just as much as the last.
I remember when I was 15, I auditioned for a play (I can’t remember the name), and I really wanted to play this really sweet teacher who I really related to, but it wasn’t meant to be. I got cast as a maid, which was a whole era for me that did a number on my self esteem (a story for another time), and I remember being out with my grandma when the list came out and I tried so hard not to cry since we were in public. My grandma told me that everything happens for a reason and that something great is going to come my way. She said that it was all in God’s timing and that “something” wasn’t going to come when I wanted it but when God believed I needed it. That’s the thing about getting a ton of rejections, everyone in your life can give you a piece of wisdom that will apply later in life.
I auditioned for the fall musical in September of this year, and I felt really good about my performance, but it wasn’t meant to be. I called my parents to tell them and to cry, which has become a very cathartic ritual which I think everyone should do. My dad asked me if I wanted to give up and come home. He said that there was no shame in it and that he and my mom would still be very proud of me no matter what. I admit, it was a very tempting offer at the time. I was extremely homesick and even as a sophomore, I’m still getting used to doing some things without my family especially since I just spent the summer at home. But I told him no and that I wanted to stay. Dad told me that that’s how he knows I’m serious about my career. He said that even since middle school, I’ve gotten more rejections than offers and every time I am just as heartbroken as before, but I still make the choice to accept the decision given to me and come back stronger the next year.
But let me tell you, when you finally get that elusive “yes”, that oh, so precious offer, you get this rush of sheer adrenaline and euphoria that makes your blood run hot and cold at the same time. I have three big moments in my life where I significantly remember getting these types of offers. The first being for Hello Dolly, where I got cast as Irene. This was my first ever lead, and I was mortified that my first kiss ever had to be with one of my dear friends in front of my entire family. The second was in high school, a few months before the pandemic hit. It was for a musical called The Fantasticks, and this was the first time I felt like I was really competing with girls who I was equally matched with. We were about three weeks out from opening when our school shut down and we were never able to perform. I still fantasize about a reunion production of the show that never was. The most recent one was my senior year of high school. Our fall play was for a WWII drama about a woman and her children navigating life on the homefront of London while her husband is fighting on the front lines. I was home alone when the cast list dropped, and I checked my name in the ensemble section, but didn’t see anything. Then I looked to the top of the list, and my name was there. The first time it had ever been at the very top. Anytime I had gotten a big role, it was always about two or three from the top, but never first.
Another point that I don’t really like to talk about, but will for the sake of honest media, is the comparison game. That goes hand in hand with this whole rejection talk. It’s everywhere, in sports, in school, in the arts, etc. There’s no escape. Since I began my journey, I have tried extremely hard not to fall into the game of comparisons, such as thinking, “This girl is skinnier than me, she looks better in the costume they pulled for the character. I’m not as tall as she is, my kicks don’t go as high as theirs do.” These thoughts are the worst because they will always get you when you’re down and don’t stop until you feel so terrible about yourself that you want to curl into a ball and feel nothing. But, then there are the good comparisons, the people you can look up to when the going gets tough and the world forces you to get tougher.
There are two Broadway actresses who I have turned to for these aforementioned moments. The first being Stephanie J. Block. This woman has been in several Broadway productions such as Falsettos, Wicked, Anything Goes, and Into the Woods, to name a few. Plus, she went to my high school and used to live in my hometown! I learned this in high school and just about lost my mind. How could a Broadway legend, now a household name in the theater world, have sat in the same classrooms I once did? How could she have eaten lunch and gone to mass where I did? It feels almost impossible. But it always makes me feel better, that there was once a woman who knows exactly what I’m feeling, what my aspirations are, and the yearning I feel and have felt. The second woman I admire is none other than Sutton Foster. Some of her most notable productions have been Anything Goes, Thoroughly Modern Millie, Shrek the Musical, and Little Women. My admiration for Ms. Foster has always been present, but has been renewed as I began my college journey. Since beginning my collegiate training, I have been told that my voice will not fit traditional standards; that my voice is very big and has a wide range, so I would have to learn how to control my breathing, as well as my belt and chest voices. When I was in a voice lesson one day, my voice coach recommended that I listen to Sutton Foster in various musicals to give myself an idea of what I would one day sound like. I was thrilled to do more deep diving. I felt so empowered that I could see a woman who has my skill set rise into theater royalty, just like Stephanie J. Block, Sutton Foster, and much more.
Throughout the sea of rejection, I have learned how to master my emotions. Even if that means I let myself go overboard every now and then over a specific audition, I am able to reel myself back in and focus up on the next great thing. When things don’t go my way, I always congratulate those who got what they wanted, get myself home, cry and after I let everything out, I pick myself back up and reintroduce myself to the world. And if I was offered a role where I only have two lines (which I have gotten before) I accept gratefully and make the absolute best of the situation. Despite the odds against me, I will always do my best to use what I learned and become stronger.