Some people’s greatest fears are heights, sharks, or failure—mine is abandonment.
It’s a fear I’ve had my whole life, where I hate when people exit my life and never return back to it. It doesn’t matter the reason, but I always thought it was because of something I did. Whether that be not being kind, funny, or pretty enough, I always thought that there was something I could’ve done to salvage a relationship.
As I get older, I started to realize that isn’t the case. So many people come and go through our lives, and it now feels very undesirable to still be talking with every person I’ve ever met (and quite unrealistic). Still, there’s always a little part of me that feels nostalgia thinking back to certain parts of my life, and thinking back to the people that I used to be close with.
I’m thankful for everyone who’s entered my life, for better or worse. They’ve helped grow me into the person I am today, as cliche as that sounds. Below are a couple notes to those left behind—I hope you’re doing well.
To my best friend from elementary school, I think back to all the sleepovers we had at your house, and how we thought that your basement was haunted. From the snack parties to the hours of Just Dance we dedicated ourselves to, everything was so simple back then. I loved being friends with you because your family was so different from mine—they were spontaneous and loud and messy. We read books together and talked about our grade-school crushes, of which we had totally different types. I never saw you cry but I cried all the time, and it showed me how strong you were, even at a young age; I still really admire that.
To my high school crush, I laugh now thinking how determined I was to ‘fix you.’ We had been friends for years, and I started to believe that you were right for me. The moment that high school was over, you were going to ask me out, and then we’d be together the rest of our lives. There were always little things you did that bothered me, but I still held onto hope for so long that everything would end up fine. It’s humorous to know how naive I was back then, but I couldn’t help it. The people from school were all I knew, and my life was contained in a little bubble where you were the main love interest. I’m glad I’ve moved on now, but I’m also glad that you at least gave younger me someone to romanticize.
To an old mentor, I remember thinking how crazy you were when I first met you. So loud, so outspoken, so not the person I would expect to ask advice from. We got on the wrong foot at first since your husband scared me half to death, but I’m glad we were able to move past that and build our relationship. You became someone I was able to rely on, and I really miss you. Sometimes you’ll come up in my mind randomly now, and I try to honor your memory by living my life the way I knew you’d want me to live it.
To those left behind, it’s a bittersweet feeling. I wish I could’ve done something while also knowing that it wasn’t just my responsibility to keep a relationship. One of my friends has always told me that every person who comes into a life is there for a purpose; once they’ve fulfilled their purpose, then it’s their time to move on.
I hope you all believe that too.