My childhood home had a hot tub and some nights we sat in it together: my parents grasping at fogging glasses of rum and coke, my younger brother playing with toy dinosaurs or wearing a snorkel. The hot tub was a heated whirlpool in my youthful mind, but once I got old enough to grow bored of diving for rings or practicing floating on my back, I copied my parents and tried to sit still in front of the jets. I quickly got overheated, and the jets uncomfortably pounded against my child-like frame, so I usually found myself lifting the cover off the filter and allowing the stream of water to move my hand in tiny circles. I quickly learned if I faced my back away from my family – analyzing the function of the filter – a tiny jet brushed in between my thighs. Unlike the other jets in our hot-tub, this stream of water was soft and delicate and didn’t hurt… in fact, it felt so good it made me dizzy.
I experienced my first orgasm in the 4th grade. I was 9 years old.
Now, when I confide in friends about my early years of masturbation, I am met with weak poker faces. In fact, after discovering the delicate massager in the family hot tub, I proudly informed my friends at recess that putting a jet on your bikini bottoms felt really good; they looked at me like I was crazy and I never brought it up again.
I then realized the “ooh,that feels good” of my parents leaning into a pounding flow of water to massage their shoulders was not the same as when I titled my hips around the jet under the hot tub filter until my tummy tingled and I saw stars. The prompt shame of pleasuring my privates was the first time I was shamed as a woman for seeking physical joy.
Yet, as I grow older and more accepting of my sexuality, I have learned it’s highly likely my 4th grade classmates were also playing with hot tub jets and discovering a new type of massage. I was just the only one who shared my experience of ecstasy.
According to the C.S Mott Children’s Hospital at the University of Michigan, children as young as 5–6 years old begin playing with their “private parts”, and by 15 “almost 100% of boys and 25% of girls have masturbated to the point of orgasm.” This research is a loaded statement. First, it models the normality of genital exploration: how many little cousins, toddlers in the grocery store, or kids you’ve babysat have you caught holding themselves between their legs? Why is it so normal for a young child to “play” with themselves but when that exploration evolves into pleasure, the same child is hit with a wall of body-shame?
I reminisce about my hot-tub jet days and know my parents were aware of what I was doing: I am so thankful they didn’t yell at me for experimenting with my body and instead allowed me to continue without even mentioning my behavior. How is a child supposed to know touching themselves between the legs is something to be done in private? How is a child supposed to learn to love and accept themselves when parents shut down all sex talk, genital exploration, and innocent jet-play? If I had been punished at 9 years old for putting a hot tub jet on my privates, I doubt I would be as open and proud of my body today. Masturbation is not something young children should be shamed for. In fact, I would argue that a young child touching themselves is a good thing because it reflects a supportive parental environment and healthy relationship with one’s body. I hope if I ever glance at my daughter in the hot tub with a jet between her legs I, like my parents, look away and allow her to explore herself, only bringing it up if the touching becomes obsessive or disruptive, and only then with a shadow of support and openness to discussion.
The second statistic from the University of Michigan article on childhood masturbation is the significant difference between male and female masturbation rates. How is it that almost all boys have reached orgasm by high school but only 1 in 4 girls? Is this a report bias where young girls are so sexually dismissed they won’t admit to self-pleasure? Is it because boys genuinely, biologically sexually mature faster than girls?
I am no developmental expert, but I sense an unhealthy trend. How is it that the year I started having sex many of my female peers statistically hadn’t even orgasmed for the first time yet? According to various sites on female masturbation in adolescents, many girls don’t start masterbating until they are 15; I lost my virginity two months after my 15th birthday. If adolescents, no matter their gender, are experiencing sexual urges as early as middle school, how come so many girls are not acting on those urges?
At 22, I know girls who still haven’t reached climax and are uncomfortable with the topic of self-pleasure. I worry for my peers who, for reasons unbeknownst to me, refuse to venture into their personal caves of joy. Masturbation is so much more than touching yourself: it’s about self-love, exploration, and stress release. How can you expect a partner to help you in bed when you don’t even know what you like? How can you find joy in foreplay if you are uncomfortable with your own body? How can you know if you have a growth, rash, or discoloration in your vagina if you have never even looked at it?
After my hot tub jet era in late elementary school, I was exposed to other types of sexual water play. In middle school, I showered for way too long and way too often because I had a detachable shower head and my own bathroom. I would stand wide-legged in my rectangular shower, forehead leaning on the cool tile and left hand bracing myself on the wall, and angle the stream of shower water perfectly on the golden area of comfort. I climaxed daily, more often than not multiple times a shower, and through this self exploration I found an acceptance of self many grown women struggle to achieve. How could I feel bad about myself if I knew exactly what made me pulsate, gasp for air, and shake until my mind and vision were foggy? This power I had over myself was intoxicating.
In high school, I kissed boys, continued to play with my shower head, and began holding a mirror in between my thighs so I could look at my anatomy. Looking at my vagina was never a sexual experience for me, but I was interested in knowing what I looked like under the folds of my thighs.
In college, I began exploring more by touching myself rather than letting water do all the work. I dabbled in porn and learned what made me feel tingly and what made me feel gross. Masturbation has helped me come to terms with my sexuality: as I found myself imagining kissing other girls as I held my vibrator, I realized I liked boys and girls. Reading “The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo” inspired me to reach into my pants and touch myself. If it wasn’t for my willingness to explore the sensations of my own body, I wouldn’t have begun my slow and private process of coming out as bisexual.
At 22 I have a positive relationship with pleasure. It’s okay to not be a highly sexual person – asexual people exist and are valid members of the LGBTQ community – but to be a grown woman who does like sex but has never masturbated – or even worse– is okay with never orgasming, is concerning. For decades, women have been protesting for their right to be sexually liberated, and yet some of the most democratic women I know are still ashamed of touching themselves. In fact, writing this article anonymously is enough proof that female masturbation is not normalized enough yet: god knows men are open about their ejaculation. Boys challenge themselves with “No Nut November”: girls practice this self-deprecation for years.
I am privileged to have experienced the absolute ecstasy of orgasm —the blurred vision–sweat dripping – muscles clenched – exploding wetness – tingling sensation of a really good climax— and encourage other women to give masturbating a shot. Casually mentioning vibrators, joking about hot tub jets, and writing articles about female pleasure are only a few steps I will continue to take to normalize masturbation. The female body is biologically designed to feel the joy of sex, yet countless women ignore their genitals because of the stigma and shame surrounding female pleasure and masturbation. Be for-real girl, go play with yourself.