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Showers In The Dark: A Reflection On Size And Femininity

Lanaya Oliver
The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at CU Boulder chapter.

Although society has become more accepting of plus sized women –  as if being anything more than a size 6 is something to seek approval for –  than the environment our mothers grew up in during the 90s, young girls and women are still fed the unrealistic and exclusive expectation that being tinier equates to deserving more respect. 

How can someone’s size reflect their impact on the world – how much they deserve to be loved?  

I, for one, admit to not being perfect. While I don’t judge other women for simply taking up space, if I notice my stomach is not as flat as it normally is, I feel almost guilty: Lanaya, how dare you stray from the perfect form? And yet tighter pants fail to encapsulate my merit as a friend, daughter, student, sister, or athlete. Whether or not I can zip my sweatshirt all the way up to my neck, I am witty, headstrong, and loving: as is anyone, despite the number on the scale.  

By allowing society, and let’s be frank: men, to instill the belief in my mind that the smaller I am, the more beautiful I am, I am reinforcing how evident the patriarchy is in our current world. Would you see yourself the same way if you were bigger?

My friend only makes love in the dark.

Blinds drawn, mirrors covered, lights out:

The ritual of undressing is one she performs in haste.

She kisses boys when her bloodstream floods with cheap wine and tequila,

The state of intoxication masking her anxiety.

She only sees herself –

Her humor, intelligence, and deep brown eyes,

When part of her is slightly blurred–

So ashamed of what it means to be woman,

Clothing and shadows bandaging her self-hatred temporarily.

—————————————–

I take my time when entering the shower,

Carefully sliding my underwear down my pale thighs, 

Even taking the time to fold my pants: 

One, no–two times, over my arm and placing them delicately on the floor.

I gaze at my reflection as I stand topless brushing my teeth,

The hot steam reddening my cheeks and highlighting my freckles, 

Warm dew moistening the blonde hairs circling my arms, 

Wondering how my belly button is so perfectly centered on my stomach.

I tilt my head to stare at the mass of hair between my legs,

The way my breasts lean slightly to the side.

—————————————–

Would I still love myself so much if I took up more space?

Lanaya Oliver

CU Boulder '24

Lanaya Oliver is the Editor-in-Chief and a contributing writer at the Her Campus Chapter at the University of Colorado at Boulder. As Editor-in-Chief, she oversees a team of editors, is the lead publisher and editor, and works as a campus corespondent. Outside of Her Campus, Lanaya is a senior at the University of Colorado Boulder. She is double majoring in both Psychology and Spanish with a minor in Sports Media. Her writing career started in high school when she was elected the position of school wide poet laureate after winning a poetry contest in her sophomore year. Now Lanaya’s writing has evolved from creative pieces to profiles and articles for her Her Campus articles. In her personal life, Lanaya is an ACE certified personal trainer and teaches both cycle and barre classes. Fitness is her passion and more often than not she can be found lifting weights, riding a bike, or running. She also enjoys being outdoors, binge watching movies, spending time with friends, thrift shopping, and munching on any white cheddar flavored snack she can find. Lanaya hopes to find a balance between her love for writing and her dreams of working in the fitness industry in her future career.