On Feb. 22, I will be turning 20 years old. And for the majority of my two decades on this Earth, I have been absolutely terrified of growing up. As a child, I would sob in my mother’s arms about not wanting to get old. At my middle school graduation, I sobbed and told my teachers that I didn’t want to go to high school and then at my high school graduation, I sobbed and told my teachers I didn’t want to go to college. For me, growing up has been the scariest endeavor.
20 has never felt real, attainable, or like an age I was allowed to be. A huge reason for that is because when I was a kid, I could only imagine myself as a teenager. I pictured myself in high school, learning how to drive, going to prom, and doing teenager things that I saw in movies like High School Musical or Princess Protection Program. I never daydreamed about being an adult. When I was in middle school, I saw the movie 13 Going On 30 for the first time and thought about what I would do if I one day woke up and was suddenly 30 years old. I hated the idea, despised it, and all I could imagine for my life at 30 was a wasteland.
But when I turned 19, the fact that I am aging really hit me like a truck. This was the first birthday that I spent away from my family since I was studying abroad at the time and just the fact that I wasn’t with the people that I spent the past 18 birthdays with was just the final nail in the coffin that I couldn’t escape from aging. And while it wasn’t an overnight switch, I wanted to enjoy life and enjoy the changes that come with getting older instead of being fearful of it.
Looking closer at my fear, I noticed that it was largely based on two things: the fear of never having enough time and the fear of not doing enough with the time that I have. Of course, many people would look at that and tell me that there is no use in worrying about it because it is out of my control. Humans are always going to be regretful. There is always going to be something that you regret doing or not doing when you’re older, but that doesn’t mean I should already hold that regret now. There are tons of things that I want to do in my life–things I want to see, places I want to visit–and while I am fearful that I won’t have enough time to do everything I would like to, I can at the very least do as much as I physically can.
This mindset propelled me to start doing everything I wanted to and to steer clear of anything I didn’t want to do. There is so much that I have done in the past year that I would’ve never thought I would do because I don’t want to have regrets. I’ve gone to concerts with friends, I’ve taken classes that genuinely interested me, I’ve traveled to places that I’ve always wanted to visit, I’ve explored, I’ve done so much because I would ask myself, “if I don’t do this, am I going to regret it on my deathbed?” and if the answer is yes, I must do it. But I also don’t want anyone to think that it’s as simple as that, because it isn’t. Before you can allow yourself to take those leaps, you must really understand yourself as a fundamental human being. What do you love doing? What do you hate doing? What would you be up to try? Those are the questions that you must answer in full before trying to do everything you fear you might regret not doing.
Another thing, however, that has been slowly helping me accept aging, is the idea of what my future can look like. As I said previously, I never could imagine myself as an adult, only ever as a teenager, so now I take the time to imagine my future. I think about my future job, my future home with my future spouse and how I want to continue living life to its absolute fullest even when I’m 25, 30, 40, etc. This is made pretty easily thanks to my boyfriend, Fred. He has truly helped me want to grow up because I want to grow old with him. I’m in no way in a rush to do so yet, but I don’t fear it because I know he is going to be right there beside me the entire time, which is incredibly reassuring. It’s also super helpful that he has always had the exact opposite thoughts about getting old that I have. He’s excited for it, at least way more than I am, and hearing him speak positively about the things that I have always talked negatively about forces me to think about them. He gives me insights into how to look at things like aging with a better mindset, seeing the positives and negatives instead of just the bad parts. Having someone like that in your life helps in ways that I never even knew was possible. It doesn’t even need to be a romantic partner–it can be a best friend, a teacher, a family member, or anyone that holds importance in your life and who you would be comfortable talking to about your fears.
Growing up is so unexplainably difficult and I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish I could stay in my teen years forever, but I can’t. Life is inevitable and it’s going to happen whether you are ready for it or not, and personally I would rather be ready for it. I’m so glad that spending my 19th birthday away from my family pushed me to change my mindset on growing up because I am so happy with everything that I did during this year. I cannot wait to see what I do in my 20th year and beyond. Hopefully one day, I get to be an old woman, wise and gray, who is happy with what she did with her life, without regrets, and has a beautiful life story to share with the world.