I always thought that kindergarten would be the last time I would have to approach someone and ask, “do you want to be friends?” Until college came around, I didn’t know if it was weird to sit alone in the dining hall or not. I went to kindergarten through high school in the same school district, which means I always knew at least someone each new year. I always had someone to sit with, someone to go to the school dance with, or someone to get a ride from. Throughout those years, I had my ups and downs of friendships. I always struggled with the feeling of being unloved or the frustration of having high expectations that people were unable to meet. It wasn’t until college that I had this fresh start when it came to the new friendships I made. This transition opened opportunities to explore what friendship meant to me, what to expect, and how to feel loved rather than disappointed. Here is what I have learned in making friends in college so far. Disclaimer: I am still a freshman and have a LOT to learn.
Learn your love language.
In high school, my stepmom introduced me to the five love languages. The idea behind these five languages is to express how you feel loved and how you express love to others. There are words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, gift-giving, and quality time. Words of affirmation mean that you either feel loved when someone tells you that you look pretty or that they love you, or that is how you show love. Acts of service are like washing your friends’ car, helping them study, or helping them clean their depression room or vice versa. Physical touch is hugs, leaning your head on their shoulder, or other acts of physical affection. Gift-giving is self-explanatory and includes giving small gifts like buying them coffee or making them a card. Lastly, quality time is dedicating time with someone and giving them your full attention. When I was younger, my love language was physical touch. I would try to hug my friends only for them to be very uncomfortable. I thought that meant they didn’t love me but really it was because they didn’t feel loved by physical touch. When you start developing a friendship, ask them to take this test or take it together. This helps prevent you from feeling unloved because you now know how they are expressing their love.
Manage your expectations.
This advice might be hypocritical, however, it is important to know what high expectations look like in a friendship. Basic respect, feeling of belonging, and love is the minimum requirement for really any close relationship. However, expecting your friend to read your mind or the mindset of “if they wanted to they would” is expecting too much. If you would like something from your friend, communicate it to them. It is unhealthy to expect that they can pick you up when you are upset or that they can be there for you at a drop of the hat. You should always be willing to compromise and meet in the middle in order to satisfy both needs. Make sure to set boundaries and prevent yourself from being walked over.
Friendships can happen randomly.
When I first came to CU Boulder in August, I always expected that some random girl would just come up to me and talk to me, and then boom, future bridesmaid right there. I was in such a rush to make friends and felt so far behind everybody else that I would add anybody I could on Snapchat hoping that would blossom into something. In reality, I met some of my best college friends in class and on the Buff Bus. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t put in the effort to make friends, but it is a reminder that you don’t have to force yourself to be friends with someone because you feel lonely. Some of the best friendships form naturally.
Know your friend’s strengths.
I can’t be the only one who’s had the experience where you go to a friend when you’re upset and they just make you feel worse. This isn’t because they’re a bad friend, comforting just may not be their strong suit. Know what friends you can come to when you are crying and who can help you work through a problem and what friends will accompany you to a frat party. I found this has helped prevent me from feeling disappointed when a friend can’t satisfy my needs at the moment.
Friendship is a two-way street.
Out of all the advice I could give, this is the most important. There is nothing more frustrating than being the only one in the friendship to make plans, to text them first, or the one to show them love. I understand that life can happen and one person may be going through something, but that is when you communicate that you need space. Of course, talk to the friend and tell them that you feel like your love isn’t being reciprocated but if it continues to occur no matter how many times you express it, don’t water a dead plant. In college, you move away from your home town which can strain friendships. If it is important to you to keep those friendships even from a long distance, make sure that effort is being put in by both sides. This could be calling once a week, coming to visit, or just checking up on each other. You deserve to feel loved and to have a friendship where someone puts equal effort and time into you.
Know your values.
A successful relationship boils down to two people having similar values. As you develop a friendship, ask yourself what you value. Is it honesty or feeling loved? Is it moral or political values that are important to you and can be a deal-breaker? For me, I wanted to find friends who valued loyalty, trust, and effort. Knowing these values helps me be a better communicator and adjust my expectations. Everyone has different ways of showing effort (like the love languages) but if I don’t see someone putting in or demonstrating their willingness to put in the effort, I know how to approach it.
Learning how to make and maintain a lasting friendship can be full of trial and error as well as a lot of pain. College is the perfect time to start fresh and make meaningful connections as well as practice skills that can apply to all areas of your life. Whether you have a good group of friends or are looking to make one, these tips will help you feel satisfied and loved.