Ever since I dumped my ex of two and a half years after his parents decided he should get an arranged marriage (sad), I decided to maximize the college experience for the rest of my days at CU, as I am a senior. I convince myself that this is the reason I am speed-running through dates, as acknowledging my self-destructive tendencies is too much for me to handle. These dates have not been successful, but hey they make good stories, right?
As a scientist, I need to objectively measure these dates. So I will rank them based on the creativity of the asking out process, the date activity, the cuteness of the person, awkwardness, their occupation, and my standing with the person now.
- Girl from Bumble.
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Asking out process: We talked for a bit on Bumble, but she actually read my profile (surprising), which I can not relate to because I swipe right on everyone. She said, ‘is it too early to ask you out?’ which was very sweet.
Date activity: We went to the Denver Botanic Gardens! That is my favorite place in Colorado, and I was glad I got to see the beautiful plants with her. After that, we went to City O’ City, a vegetarian restaurant in downtown Denver. We shared fries!
Cuteness: She was very pretty and dressed well.
Awkwardness: I’ve never met her before since we met on Bumble, so it was kind of awkward, but we got along very well.
Occupation: Waitress.
Standing: Since she got COVID afterward, we could not go on a second date, but we are still in touch. I hope she did not lie about the COVID part.
- Girl I met at work.
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Asking out process: I saw her at my workplace and thought she was pretty, so I asked her if she wanted to get coffee and she said yes!
Date activity: We got coffee at Trident, a cafe on Pearl Street. I got the best matcha latte I’ve had in my life which is impressive as I’ve lived in Japan. We walked around a bit after that!
Cuteness: She is actually the prettiest person I’ve ever gone on a date with!
Awkwardness: I felt kind of squeamish about our age gap, but we got along pretty well. I also found out that she knew all of my coworkers. She actually went out with another one afterward, and I feel bad because I asked her out in front of him though he was already into her at the time.
Occupation: Chem TA
Standing: We are still good friends. She actually sits next to me at work and gives me candy.
- Guy in my AI class.
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Asking out process: He pulled me aside into a study room at my workplace and asked him if I liked him, to which I replied with, “I don’t know how to answer that question.” It was creative, though!
Date activity: We did AI together and could not concentrate. The second half of the date was dinner on Pearl street (Boulder needs more date spots), where we ate amazing ramen. He paid!
Awkwardness: We were already friends at the time, but I did not know much about him outside of his AI knowledge. There was a lot more to him than I thought! I think I was extremely awkward, but I have a feeling he already knew that.
Cuteness: Conventionally attractive.
Occupation: Full-time AI enthusiast.
Standing: Not sure; this was last weekend.
- Guy I met through the Amazon interviewing process.
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Asking out process: He asked me if I wanted to get coffee with him on Discord. This was a bit after I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. He alternatively suggested that we got drunk and coded together, but I did not want to reveal the fact that I couldn’t code for shit.
Date activity: Coffee at Monk and Mongoose. The coffee was very tasty, but I was shaking because it was very, very strong.
Awkwardness: I could tell that this guy goes on a lot of dates based on his social competence. I was awkward because I was literally nauseous from the coffee, but I did not throw up, which was a win for me.
Cuteness: Very conventionally attractive.
Occupation: Software engineer at a prestigious company.
Standing: We went on another date afterward, which was fun. He canceled on me three times after that. He is in my cybersecurity class now.
- Guy I met through a club.
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Asking out process: He asked me if I wanted to get dinner with him on Discord. He tried to go clubbing with me a couple of times in group settings, but I don’t think I got the message, so he finally became direct with me.
Date activity: We went to this bar in Broomfield and had the best cheesy tots and peach IPA. It was outdoors next to a bonfire. Pretty cozy.
Awkwardness: I got really drunk and started talking about all of my childhood trauma which was an L, and swore off of drinking on first dates after the fact. He was nice, though. He asked me what my music taste was, but I don’t reveal my darkest secrets that fast.
Cuteness: Don’t judge by its cover.
Occupation: Unsure, was unemployed at the time.
Standing: We went on a couple more dates, yet I got jealous because he was talking to a girl for a long time at a party I threw (I am a Scorpio). A couple of weeks ago, he called me multiple times at 2 AM, and when I returned the call in the morning, he accused me of stealing his birth certificate. I don’t care about him enough to plan out a heist in order to steal his identity, but hey, at least he thinks I’m smart.
Though it is clear that for most of these, I am the problem, it made for some pretty good stand-up comedy material. I hope I have better luck, though.