I know I’m not the only woman to say that I make myself appear dumber in groups of people. I feel the intense desire to dampen what I say or think to make myself seem more likable or agreeable–even if I’m just in a group of other women. I present myself as an ignorant person compared to the people around me even if I am with my family or my friends. It’s not even other people making me feel dumb–I do it to myself a majority of the time. I pray on my own downfall.
High school was easy for me. I knew how to play the game. I was even good at it. Even in college, I do well in all my classes–I know how to study, I can write essays well, and I can learn and retain information. I was the girl in the class that people wanted in their group because they assumed I knew what I was doing and was going to give them the answers. Technically speaking–that makes me smart. Yet, I found myself saying “but I’m not really sure,” “but I don’t really know,” or “don’t quote me on that,” after saying something I knew was 100% correct because I needed to negate my intelligence to make the other people in the group like me more. If I said everything I thought or knew with conviction–society has made it seem like I would be “unlikable,” a “smart ass,” a “know-it-all,” or a “b*tch”. I know for a fact if a man were to say the same things I would with the same amount of conviction, he would be met with admiration. Where I would be degraded, he would be praised.
Typically in group work there is at least one man in the group. He would say a thought or opinion about a project we’re doing or working on an assignment. Even if I know it’s wrong, I don’t voice my thoughts with certainty. Instead I frame it in a different way along the lines of “I think it’s… but I also don’t really know that,” and it’s no surprise that my comment doesn’t get taken seriously. I never state my opinion as a fact because I’m scared of being outcast from the group as the “know-it-all.” Essentially, what my issue boils down to is that I prefer to be liked than to be intellectually respected.
I quiet myself to let others be loud. I soften my intelligence to let others (particularly men) have their time to shine. Why? It’s been ingrained in me for too long to let men be the strong and smart ones. But why does letting them do that limit me? Me being knowledgeable and educated should not be a threat. Yet, it’s women who mainly face this issue.
Why do women have to have mutually exclusive traits? Why do I have to have mutually exclusive traits? Why do I have to just be quiet or loud? Why do I have to be dumb or smart? Can I not have fun and think deeply? Can I not be nuanced and complex? Why can I not be multiple things? I have so many unanswered questions. Who made these rules and why do we continue to follow them? Because we keep repeating these behaviors, it is the norm and deemed acceptable. It is not acceptable for me to feel this way when this never even is a fleeting thought in a man’s mind. Think about the young girls who we are telling to be just one thing. How is that fair?
When I am with my friends, I have adopted the “fun” personality in the group. I decided that was my role. I excel in my performance every time. I can make people laugh, I can make anything fun, I know how to match people’s energies, and I know how to talk to everybody. But somewhere along the way I began to make that my only trait. I whittled down my numerous traits into one thing: entertaining. I have made it to where my friends don’t listen to me if I have something serious to say or my serious opinions because I lack seriousness a lot of the time. It’s a vicious cycle. I am friends with some amazing people but they all seem to appear nuanced in a way that I lack. Whenever someone in the group has an issue, I voice my opinion and my advice, they hear me speak—yet they don’t listen. My advice and opinion gets overlooked to move onto someone else’s opinion that they respect more than mine.
When I am with my extended family, I play into the dumber personality because I assume they don’t think very highly of me. Compared to my sister, I don’t seem to know as much. But I don’t think they are asking me the right questions. Like yes, I don’t know as many random really cool facts, but that does not make me dumb. They rarely ask me about my classes in school because I am majoring in something easier than my sister. The only questions or inquiries I ever receive about myself or school is out of obligation from already asking my sister. They bypass my opinions even if I feel very passionate about them to listen to my dad or my sister. But, I can’t be all that upset about it because I created this hole for myself.
But I’m done. I am done being one thing. I am funny, I am fun, I’m charismatic, I’m sensitive, I love deep talks, I’m dedicated, I’m a hard worker, I’m excellent with people, I love going out, I love my alone time, I am a girls’ girl, I’m a good listener, and I am smart. I am a multitude of things, and I’m done hiding that. As a woman, I refuse to be limited to be just one thing.