When I was studying abroad, I downloaded Hinge. I never thought of it as anything serious, since I knew that I would be moving back to Boulder after a few months. I liked people’s profiles, talked to boys (consequently leaving most of them on read) and went on two dates that were varying levels of “good.”
For the longest time, I’ve always been against dating apps. It wasn’t necessarily the act of finding someone online, but more the fact that I was the one who had to do it. I love to romanticize my life and imagine myself meeting someone in a coffee shop or in class, or bumping into them on the walk home. My favorite trope in books and movies was the friends to lovers, and it was the only thing that I wanted to settle for in my own life.
I never even thought about downloading a dating app until I was literally out of the country—there was no risk of anyone knowing me, and I was the ‘cool’ person since I was American. Once I was bored, I deleted it and had no intention of getting it again in Boulder.
For some reason, the whole weight of this ‘romanticizing my life’ thing started to fall apart. I was coming back to Boulder, haunted by half-relationships that went awry and situations of ‘what are we?’. I was so good at being friends with guys, but never knew how to take it any further.
All I wanted was for a mutual like: I liked someone and they liked me. And we both knew it. Simple as that.
That’s what led me to download Hinge again (Tinder still scares me). Even though I still don’t take it super seriously, it’s kind of fun to see new people who are outside your friend group or someone that you wouldn’t meet from a mutual friend. Especially later in college, you aren’t meeting as many people. The friends that you chose your first year of college are mostly still your friends, and while it’s possible to switch some people in and out, it’s difficult to meet completely new faces that aren’t associated to someone you already know.
Dating is hard, though. I feel like even though I’ve had relationships in the past, I have no idea how they got from the talking phase to actually dating. When you’re on a dating app and talking to multiple people at once, I still feel guilty, as if I should only be giving my attention to one person. If the talking ever gets to where I’m asked on a date, I usually leave them on read since I’m too scared to say yes (I understand this is an asshole move, I’m working on it).
Even when I’m typing on the other side of a screen, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.
So, how does one date? Is there a specific formula you can abide by, and a relationship will follow? Do I just need to just hope a little longer and sit in that coffee shop for an extra hour? Do I even need a relationship, given that I’m busy all the time and still trying to work on being more vulnerable and open?
There’s no right or wrong answer. Though I don’t believe that the love of my life will trip me on the sidewalk tomorrow, I don’t have to turn it against myself and think that I’ll never find anyone ever. It’s truly about going through the motions: if I’m talking with someone cute, then it’s a good thing.
If I’m hanging out with myself and learning to be with that space, then it’s a good thing too. Everything is all in good time