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How Bagels Could Spill the Secrets to Your Personality

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at CU Boulder chapter.

I just have one word for you: bagels. I know this seems super unimportant, but this go-to food item can be quite a lifesaver. A variety of people depend on this simple breakfast to get them through the day. Just take a second to think about it. When you swing by a coffee shop, what type of customers would you typically be surrounded by? Save the answer, I will go ahead and lay it on. The demographics of those customers include but are not limited to college kids, those in the ever-so-busy workforce, those who went for a morning run, and those who are recovering from a long night. In the following paragraphs, I will go ahead and enlighten you with what secrets your go-to order of bagel shares with the public eye.  

I first want to jump into the bagels that would be considered the go-to bagels. 

First up we have the reliable:

Sesame Bagels

This particular type of bagel only gives off one impression: reliability. The person who orders this bagel is an individual who is a great listener and gives advice when needed. This bagel is for individuals who always show up on time and never bail on plans unless there is an emergency. In itself, a sesame bagel is a choice that can never go wrong (within reason, of course). 

Everything Bagels

Everything bagels are the types of people that I would like to be known as a stable but wild card. These are the people that could party all night long and still have the willpower to drag themselves into work the next morning. I see this type of person being dedicated to plans while also knowing the right time to let loose.

Plain Bagels

You guessed it, it’s in the name itself. I would say that these types of people tend to lean on the quieter side, they keep to themselves for the most part. Their fashion sense would possibly consist of plain sneakers, a pair of plain pants, and a blank shirt. *No shade with this fashion choice, I’m guilty of this being a go-to style. This type of person will either have the friendliest resting face or the worst RBF.  There’s no in-between!  

The temperamental: 

Cheesy Jalapeño Bagels

Now, these people know excitement… These people have the ultimate but silliest sense of humor. I can see these people having a fashion sense that goes against the unwritten rules of society but still manages to pull off their questionable fashion choices. These people can be the moodiest and most temperamental individuals with a quick tongue when it comes to a debate or argument.  The good news is that the quick kick of heat is short-lived with these jalapeño lovers, but be warned, don’t expect them to avoid confrontation! 

Salt bagels

This bagel is simply reserved for those who are bitter in every department. This bagel reminds me of those who live a life driven solely out of spite. This is a bagel that was purposely created for those who believe everything must be done in their way, otherwise, any other option is simply just wrong. Their way or the highway!

The stubborn flavor(s): 

Strong Onion Bagels

I won’t lie to you, every time I hear the word “onion” I can’t help but think of the character Shrek using onions as a symbol to describe himself as someone with layers. Despite this example, I believe that onion bagel people have a difficult time dealing with change. They may have layers to their personalities, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t sticklers at heart. These people tend to set rules for themselves and others and have a hard time straying from their own opinions and walk of life.  

Garlic bagels

The garlic bagel lovers are quite the crowd that you do not mess with. Garlic in itself is not only a repellent for people due to its strong scent but also a repellent for vampires. I see these people being those who live life following superstitions, a strong dislike for large groups of people, and love for alone time. I would also go far to say that this type of bagel is quite a hit for introverts or the few extroverts who need to take a break from people for a day.

Irritable sourdough bagels

These types of bagels are a go-to for those with an old soul. These people are similar to those of an onion bagel but have some clear differences in the levels of stubbornness. These particular individuals would be the most stubborn out of all the bagels. Once these people get into a particular habit, it is very hard for them to change their ways. I think it would be fair to say these types of people become sourpusses when something doesn’t play out the way they originally expected it to go. 

The Chameleons:

Sweet, sugary, and sensitive cinnamon raisin bagels 

Cinnamon raisin people are the type to try and fit in with society’s current trends. These individuals try their best to be seen with a soft approach. These people, although not obnoxious, want to be acknowledged despite not having a sense of flamboyant originality. Cinnamon raisins would most likely keep a low but loud profile as they would fulfill the role of hipsters in society. I also feel like this would be the type of person to have succulents to seem cool with fellow peers but end up killing the poor plants.  

Blueberry Bagels  

I will stand by this statement: blueberry bagels were created for the melodramatic drama queens. We get it, this is the only bagel that is attention-seeking by the clear contrast of color between reds, purples, and blues that shine through a plain bagel’s exterior. And let’s be completely honest, who even orders blueberry bagels? A blueberry muffin or scone makes sense, but blueberries in a bagel? Come on… These people would be the ones that would have a distinct fashion style that would turn eyes even on a very crowded street. I would say it’s safe to assume these would be sweet fashion icons.

Cheerful Chocolate chip bagels

These types of bagels are either for those of a young age or for the most egotistical people. If anyone orders food that is made with chocolate chips, they usually lean towards interests that would be described as childish. In the case of egotistical individuals, there is only one correct way to eat chocolate chip bagels, and that’s with butter. The only way to accent the sweetness of the chocolate chips is to spread butter all over this bagel. In other words, this butter would be the appropriate fuel to add to the ego of a self-absorbed individual. Children or immature people could be described as selfish, but this behavior only stems from the ignorance these people hold.

Bagel chips

It has come to my attention that most people don’t know that bagel chips were a thing. I realize that this particular food item isn’t sold at bagel shops, but it still is an honorable mention. Those who like bagel chips are the type of person who is most likely to be scam artists. Bagel chips as a whole take the hard work of a bagel and diminish the whole glory of what a bagel is. These types of people lack creativity but still gain credit for their name.

Overall, this is just my very biased opinion for the sake of bagels. As a bagel lover, I am very passionate and picky when it comes to my bagel choices. I will admit that I tend to switch up my go-to bagel depending on what specific bagel shop I am visiting at the time. If anyone has any complaints about my very biased bagel opinions you know where to find me, at your local bagel shop! 

Katie Jacobson

CU Boulder '23

Katie is a Senior at the University of Colorado- Boulder. She is currently studying in the Classics department along with minoring in Anthropology and Creative Writing. Her hometown is Laguna Niguel, California. In her free time, you can find her discovering new music, reading, or grabbing a bagel from the Hill.