We’re all very familiar with the quote “everything happens for a reason.” But what does it really mean? Does this quote mean to tell us that our heartbreak, grievances and general hardships were meant to happen? Most of the time this quote is meant as words of comfort or encouragement. We use it when something good happens to us so we believe it was meant to happen, and when something bad happens to us, so we find comfort in the simple message. But is it really that simple?
People tend to believe that there is a cause for everything. But is there? I find tremendous comfort in the thought that whatever is meant to happen for me will happen. Do I know if that’s true? No, I don’t. But, people like myself find extreme consolidation in believing there is a greater force determining our future.
Hypothetically, let’s say that someone we loved just passed away. Did that happen for a reason? If so, what was the reason? Is there a reason that would satisfy you after grieving a loss? Most would argue there’s not. Another example would be if you had just broken up with who you thought was the love of your life. Why did that happen? Was it to teach you a lesson? If so, what was the lesson? Everything happening for a reason doesn’t give us much comfort if it is an extremely challenging life event that we just went through. In fact, it just makes it worse.
In one of my favorite podcasts “Anything Goes,” Emma Chamberlain says “extreme challenges in life don’t have a reason all the time.” Things that are chaotic and catastrophic happen all the time without any rhyme or reason. Bad things will happen to good people and good things will happen to bad people. After experiencing something traumatic and dark, we try to reason.
Chamberlain says “Traumatic events are an inevitable part of being human and they can definitely inspire growth in an individual, even when they’re the most catastrophic, most traumatic imaginable… It’s much more helpful to focus your energy on accepting the unfairness of life and figuring out how to heal and figuring out what your next step is in life so that you can get back on track.” Life keeps moving forward but we need to use our energy to heal instead of obsessing over the “why” in our life. When you try to convince yourself that something bad happened for a reason, you’re putting your energy more towards trying to figure out what the reason was for a traumatic event happening to you.
Chamberlain argues “some things happen for a reason” and I agree with that. I find a lot of comfort in the idea that things in our life do happen for a reason. There’s a reason why we have the parents we do, the friends we meet, our partners, why we live where we do, why we study what we do, and what we do with our lives. Stating that some things happen for a reason lets us exclude the unbearable things in life. It leaves us space to believe that life is unfair when bad things happen to us without the pressure of trying to add a positive twist to it to make it better. It lets us grieve and process in any way that we need to without trying to find a magical solution.
Minor challenges like breakups, moving cities, transferring jobs, etc. are all learning periods in our lives. That is where the quote “some things happen for a reason” comes into play – we learn life lessons from these setbacks and challenges. It’s horrible at the moment, but ultimately it leads us to become better people because we grew. We grow best when we’re uncomfortable. Everything (or some things) that happen for a reason doesn’t apply to major challenging periods like when someone passes away or is majorly injured. For those traumatic experiences, I believe it’s best to let yourself feel the pain even if it’s overwhelming and to grieve however you need to get through that period in your life. Don’t put the pressure on yourself to try to figure out why something terrible happened. Just let it be. If you have to tell yourself that it’s because life is unfair, then it is because life is unfair. Just let it be. Let yourself feel and grieve however you need.
Especially since coming to college, I constantly question whether or not I made the right decision. I love this campus and I love Boulder – I would never consider leaving it. However, I question my decision when I get random pangs of homesickness and I miss my parents or I miss my dogs. I have never and will never want to be anywhere else, but sometimes it gets hard. Then, I remind myself that some things happen for a reason. I was meant to be here for a reason, I don’t know what that reason is – but I will someday.
Ultimately, I think you should believe in anything that gives you comfort. And whenever you need that comfort, remind yourself that this was meant to happen. Reminding myself that some things happen for a reason centers me, but also gives me a sense of comfort.
Everything is going to be okay.