*This article should not be taken seriously, and if you like astrology, please take no offense.
I, a Cancer, am protesting the entire culture of astrology. It has been growing increasingly popular, and it seems like every conversation with a stranger (or a cool one, at least) includes the be-all, end-all question: “what’s your sign?” Of course, it’s gotten more complicated recently for me with sun, moon, and rising signs that I simply cannot understand nor explain, but overall astrology revolves around the idea that you can tell certain aspects of someone’s personality, or their compatibility with someone, or how they interact with others based on what constellation corresponds with the month in which you were born. Any astrology enthusiast is probably cringing at my summary of how zodiac signs work, but unfortunately, I absolutely refuse to learn anything more than the basics of astrology.
It’s not that I care about whether astrology is accurate or not. Honestly, I think it’s compelling that we’re given personality traits based on our birth months and the accuracy, whether you live by horoscopes or think they’re stupid, is a great conversation starter. I also think that the girls that follow astrology are probably cooler than I’ll ever be. Every person I see on astrology TikTok has the best style, interior design choice, and overall vibes I could imagine. The reason I protest astrology is simply because I hate, hate, hate how ridiculously my sign is represented.
Let’s start with its name: Cancer. I mean, come on. When you think of literally any other zodiac sign name, you think of the constellation and the zodiac sign. When you think of cancer, you think of a deadly and uncured disease that has killed probably billions of people over the course of human history. How is that fair? I see so many cute pieces of clothing, jewelry, and miscellaneous items decorated with the name of a zodiac sign, but you are not going to catch me walking around with a t-shirt that says “cancer”, nor use a “cancer” mug, nor buy a “cancer” blanket. If you follow any of those merchandise links, you will understand how stupid it would look for a Cancer to walk around with a shirt advertising their star sign. I am befuddled, bewildered, and so disappointed that nobody in the astrology community has maybe considered changing the name of our sign. I don’t think any of us would complain. Honestly, if you want to keep associating us June-July babies with an ailment, at least make it not such a notorious one. Why not call us Giardia instead? Or Rheumatoid Arthritis? At least those aren’t huge killers that have affected literally almost everyone in the world.
If the name of our zodiac sign wasn’t enough to make me inherently against astrology, our animal also leaves something to be desired. The cancer zodiac is associated with the crab, which, while less synonymous with illness than Cancer, is also associated with suffering: this time, it’s an STD. Pubic lice, to be specific. I could overlook this, maybe, if it wasn’t combined with the image of cancer already in my head. If the Cancer zodiac sign was characterized as a person, in relation to its symbols and name, they would have… well, cancer, and crabs. How cruel.
Still, there is more suffering to contemplate when it comes to the zodiac signs. If the two illnesses linked to my sign weren’t enough, our other symbol is incredibly close to the number 69. Which again, I could overlook if it wasn’t for my other qualms–I would probably even find it funny (I still kind of do, because I have the humor of a 12-year-old). But in combination with cancer and pubic lice, I just have to assume that whoever named and chose the symbols of my sign had a personal vendetta against someone born between June and July 22. There is literally no other explanation for how outrageous the Cancer star sign is, and I will not take criticism on this theory. While every other person gets to indulge in the bizarre commercialization of astrology culture and put their zodiac symbol and name in their social media bios, we are unable to do so–because who puts “cancer” in their bio, and who, unless making a sexual innuendo, would put an emoji that is a literal depiction of a sex position on their social media?
I definitely am being dramatic and there is probably someone fluent in astrology who is reading this and associating my dramatics with the assigned traits for the cancer sign (see? I have to put “sign” after cancer or it sounds like I’m associating dramatics with the disease, which is problematic). But I think I have a right to protest astrology until our name, or at least our symbols, are changed. And to whoever screwed June/July babies over (although they are most definitely dead): I hate you. I hope that vexing whoever you hoped to with our cursed zodiac sign was worth it. And if I ever find out who you are, I’m going to start associating you with diseases and sex positions– you’re welcome.