Tigger warning: This article mentions topics of abusive relationships/manipulation.
In October of 2019, I was able to summon the courage to leave my toxic and abusive relationship. Leaving a relationship that is full of abuse and manipulation was like leaving solitary confinement for me. During that time, all I knew was insecurity, hatred, fear, and a loss of my identity. But once I left, I had to relearn how to love myself and how to trust those around me. It felt like being born again. Believing I would never find love again or that all men in this world would harm me the way my ex-boyfriend did, I was able to find love. Just four months later, on Valentine’s Day of 2019, I had started a relationship that was unlike any love I have ever had. It was a love that wasn’t based in fear or power, it was based on infatuation and passion. For the past year and seven months in my relationship, I have learned more about myself and about relationships than I ever have before. As my boyfriend and I continue to grow in our long-term relationship, these are the tips I have learned that have kept our relationship healthy and successful.
- Get Rid of the Idea of a Soulmate
“You’re my soulmate, the partner of my dreams.” While it may seem sweet (which it can be) it actually could hinder your relationship and make things harder for you. A soulmate is someone who exceeds all expectations and is the person who you have dreamt about your whole life. Having expectations is necessary for the basic things: I expect them to treat me with respect, to respect my boundaries, and to be a healthy partner. But to expect them to buy a dozen roses randomly one day with a bubble bath set up and a basket full of Louis Vuitton bags is unrealistic. Believing that your partner is your soulmate sets the idea that they don’t have to work on anything. It offers the idea that they are perfect and once we have started dating, we don’t have to work on anything. This will set you up for disappointment if your partner doesn’t surprise you with an all-expenses paid resort while on vacation. Instead, call them your dream job. Your dream job is the one you have been hoping and wishing for. A dream job doesn’t end when you get the job. That’s when it starts. When you have started a relationship with someone you’ve dreamt about, you have to continuously work to keep it healthy, full of love and magic, like a job.
- It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry.
As someone who has a high temper and tends to go from zero to 100 real fast, I understand how difficult it is to calm down once you have already gotten started. However, I am also the person who loves to solve things right then and there. Even though we are adults, we are still babies at heart. We cry when we get hungry and sleepy, our emotions get riled up if our basic needs are not met. So instead of trying to stay up late to fix a problem, it is okay to go to sleep. Once you wake up, I bet you that you will have a fresh perspective on the issue and be in the right headspace because your basic human needs have been met.
- Be Willing to Compromise
There are some things that shouldn’t be compromised. You shouldn’t have to compromise your boundaries. But in a relationship, there will be issues that arrive and your solution may not always match your partner’s. Let me give an example of a communication issue and how it can be compromised.
Partner 1: “I would really like it if you texted me more while you were playing video games.”
Partner 2: “I validate that, but that is my time with my friends and my alone time. I would like to give my full attention to my friends.”
Partner 1: “That makes sense. Could you just send me a GIF or a sweet emoji to show you are thinking about me?
Partner 2: “Yes I can do that.”
In this situation, both people have agreed on a solution. Compromise isn’t where one person wins. It is where both sides win a little and lose a little.
- Learn How to Have Productive Arguments
I never knew arguments could be productive. I thought it was just where two people yell at each other and then somehow forgive each other. Most arguments (from my experience) start with something that bothers the other person. Then it leads to people yelling or just constantly circling around the problem without coming up with a solution. If an argument has lasted around ten minutes and all you guys have done is interrupt each other and raise your voices, then someone should say, “I need a break. Can we take five minutes alone and come back to this later?” Once those five minutes have passed, start with this, “I validate your feelings and my feelings are valid too. What is a solution that we can agree on and how can we prevent this from happening again?” Instead of just ignoring each other, being petty or yelling, try remembering the goal. It is not you versus your partner, it is both of you against the problem.
- Analyze Your Own Behavior
Our past memories and our trauma can condition us to have certain behaviors. Starting my most current relationship, I only knew what toxic love looked like. My ex-partner had taught me that when fighting, you have to be defensive and as mean as possible. All I knew was how to be more toxic than my partner. It was fight or flight, and I had to choose to fight. I had forgotten that I had learned and adapted this behavior until one day I lashed out at my partner for something that had triggered a part of my trauma. I was mean and cold, two qualities I don’t possess. After this episode of mine, I asked for space. You can either write this down or think it to yourself, but here are some of the questions I ask myself if I am trying to figure out why I am being difficult, needing attention, or another behavior that doesn’t occur often or does not seem right for the situation.
- What did my partner do that upset me? What was actually said and what is it in my head?
- Has there been a situation like this in the past?
- Why did I respond that way?
- Was that response warranted? Was it productive?
When asking these questions, I had finally connected the dots for my behavior to my past. It allows you to understand your past better and for your partner to understand you. Now, you can learn to stop a behavior and learn about what triggers it.
- You Can’t Drive Forward While Looking in the Rearview Mirror
Forgiveness is one of the most important, yet most challenging things to do in a relationship. For me, forgiveness is extremely difficult, and I tend to hold a grudge about a certain fight or a comment that was said. Forgiving isn’t telling the person that what they did was okay and acceptable, but it is acknowledging the behavior and instead of saying, “this is something I don’t want to dwell on anymore. I notice what you did was wrong, but I want to grow from it.” Some things should not be tolerated in a relationship such as hitting, demeaning comments, manipulation, and any type of violence or abuse. However, if your partner has said or done something hurtful, constantly bringing it up in a random argument or holding it over their head only causes resentment and prevents growth. Forgiveness takes work and a lot of time and effort, but it can open new doors for you and your partner to go through and grow through.
- Make Anniversaries a Big Deal
Once I and my boyfriend hit one year, the anniversaries kind of just meshed together and stopped being big milestones. We had big celebrations for our six-month anniversary and our one year, but for the little ones like a year and three months, it kind of fell through the cracks. Anniversaries don’t have to be just about gifts and fancy dinners, it is a day, once a month that should be dedicated to celebrating your love. On my anniversary, no matter how small or big, I try my best to write a sweet paragraph acknowledging what I love and appreciate about my partner. If possible, set some time aside for each other and have a meal together at the dining hall or lay in Farrand Field spending some time together and celebrating how far you both have come.
- Learn How to Set Boundaries
Boundaries can come in all shapes and forms such as sexual boundaries or emotional boundaries. One sexual boundary could be “I am not ready for this sexual act” or “I am not comfortable being kissed there.” An emotional boundary could be “if I ask for space, please don’t contact me.” Boundaries can be set in all areas of life such as work or family. In the work setting, a boundary may be, “please don’t contact me between these hours. I am off work and I want my free time to be respected.” Boundaries are essential to help protect our overall well-being, these are things that should not be compromised. Let your partner know your boundaries early on in the relationship or when they come up. Be assertive but still polite and understanding. If your partner continues to break your boundaries repeatedly, it may be a sign to take a step back and evaluate if you two are compatible with one another.
- It’s Okay That The Honeymoon Phase Is Over
The start of the relationship usually is the most exciting part. It’s full of late nights of fun, blushing cheeks, love songs, and those amazing first love butterflies. It is what makes falling in love so magical. But as time goes on and you and your partner are more accustomed to each other, those begin to fade. This doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed or that the spark is lost, it means that time has passed and you are more comfortable around each other. While the honeymoon phase is wonderful, the next phase is just as magical. Now, you guys are comfortable enough to fart in front of each other, meet each other’s families, or be okay with spending a night just watching movies. One of my favorite things to do with my boyfriend is to either play Mortal Combat or binge-watch a show together and eat cereal at 1 a.m. This is something we weren’t able to do in our first two or three months of dating. Moving past the honeymoon phase means you are starting to get deeper and more comfortable, it is where your partner isn’t just a significant other but a friend too.
- Know the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
While most commonly known as a famous painting from the bible, the Four Horsemen are also famous for providing advice to relationships. To provide some more context, “Drs. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute created The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a metaphor referencing the end of the New Testament, used to help you recognise and navigate four pitfalls of combative conversations. Instead of having destructive arguments, they aim to help you develop constructive communication patterns.” These four characteristics in a relationship are seen as predictors of divorce.
- Criticism: talking down to or judging your partner.
- Contempt: insulting your partner purposely to make them upset.
- Defensiveness: Playing the victim or refusing to acknowledge your wrong doings.
- Stonewalling- Withdrawing and ignoring your partner with no warning.
This metaphor, when I first learned about it, really helped me to navigate my behaviors or words when in an argument. For example, a form of contempt could be mocking, something that many of us can do while arguing. It also helped my partner and me to look at our behaviors and see if they do match any of these and how we can overcome them.
Although I am not a licensed marriage counselor, throughout my years of dating experience I have found these tips extremely helpful. Every person and relationship is different and requires a different amount of work. All of our “dream jobs” have flaws and needs that we can address as partners while also getting our needs met. The ultimate goal should be keeping your relationships as healthy and loving as possible to ensure a lifetime of happiness.