Ever wondered what your favorite dinosaur would order at their local indie coffee shop? Probably not! Am I going to speculate anyway? You bet. And, hey, you clicked on this article, so if you weren’t wondering before, you clearly are now. I think it would be pretty difficult for a T. Rex to lift a coffee mug–they don’t have much in the way of arms–but I sure am going to decide what it would order. I love coffee, I love dinosaurs. What can I say?
T. Rex: An iced caramel latte with extra caramel drizzle around the cup, three packets of sugar, and whipped cream and–you know it–more caramel drizzle on top. Why? These guys were big, bold, and brash. But even the toughest of the tough have their weaknesses! They just seem like they’d be sugared up–the more sweet things in the drink, the better! Well, if you’re a T. Rex, at least.
Eoraptor: Black coffee, no cream, no sugar. They’re the OGs, and they’d order the OG! I could definitely see an Eoraptor complaining about those people (or, dinosaurs) who “might as well order a milkshake” if they dare splash a dash of creamer in their java.
Brachiosaurus: Iced matcha latte with oat milk. They were sure munching on those plants. I feel like they’d enjoy a good matcha. They don’t seem like much of the sugar type and would probably prefer to enjoy the flavors of the tea.
Troodon: Maple latte with real maple syrup. Maybe it’s just because some of these guys lived in colder climates, but I could see them going for this– they’re too pretentious for Tim Hortons, but still a little too Canadian to refrain from the maple fix.
Compsognathus: Iced vanilla latte. I love these guys, but I guarantee you they would look at the menu for ten minutes every time before proceeding to order the exact same thing as always. They definitely would apologize for taking so long, and tip $3 on a $6 latte, though.
Therizinosaurus: If they could lift the cup with how long their claws were, these guys are frozen coffee dudes. They want all the toppings. Modifications? How many can they make?
Oryctodromeus: These guys would come in, demand the supply chain details of every aspect of their product, get mad when the minimum wage barista can’t tell them exactly which plot of oats in the Midwest their oat milk came from, storm out, and proceed to get into their Mercedes they bought with the money from their trust fund. So, no order, I guess. Sorry Oryctodromeus… the “living under a rock thing” was too literal not to go for.
I will be so honest, I wrote half of this in the hospital with sepsis. I am not joking. Is it amazing? No, but I sure did have fun! I think I like dinosaurs a little too much.