Earlier this semester, Catherine and Lara teamed up to rank their favorite architectural domes. This week, while sitting in Conn’s most coveted center of inspiration (the Crozier-Williams Student Center), they thought to themselves, “What could we possibly rank that’s even more ridiculous?”
Well… thankfully for us, we remembered one of the most ridiculous practices in all of sports culture: naming racehorses. Reading the names of these magnificent creatures is, simply, the best part of a race, and when the Kentucky Derby rolls around each May, we know that the average girl in her twenties couldn’t care less about the odds when names like “Braggadocious” and “Midnight Bourbon” are in the mix.
But, why do racehorses have such goofy names? Well, the Jockey Club rulebook clearly states that no professional thoroughbred can have the same name. We’re sure this rule was created back in the 1800s just to cause a torrent of wacky horse names for two college seniors to rank in 2023.
A quick disclaimer: We do not support the culture of animal abuse in horse racing… only silly names.
Without further ado, here is our ranking of the top 15 racehorse names of all time:
15. Gronkowski
This horse is, obviously, named after the greatest American football tight end of all time: Rob Gronkowski, who is actually a minority owner of this thoroughbred. This horse “Gronk spiked” his way to second place in the 2018 Belmont Stakes and second in the 2019 Dubai World Cup.
14. Arrrrr
What is a pirate’s favorite letter? This horse knows! We’re sitting here giggling as we imagine one of the announcers of the 2008 Saratoga races saying “Arrrrr” in full seriousness as the horses race around the track. Hopefully, when this horse retired, his owners set him up with plenty of golden treasures.
13. Chicks for Free
Well… someone was a Dire Straits fan. This handsome horse knew exactly what the British band was talking about when they sang “Money for nothin’ and your chicks for free.” We can’t find a picture of “Chicks for Free,” but we just know this horse, who is an active racer, has stolen a lot of hearts since first entering the scene in 2020.
12. Shut Up Michael
This horse is silencing all of the haters… specifically those named Michael. We are dying to know the tea behind this horse’s name. Who is Michael? Why should he shut up? While this horse remains active and racking up wins, we may never know.
11. Lost Cause
The irony of this horse’s name is not lost on us. In fact, when this horse raced in the 1882 Kentucky Derby, his owner simply had no faith in his ability to win. Unfortunately, Lost Cause did live up to his name and came in second to last place. Hopefully, the currently active horse Lostcause (with no space) from New Zealand, who already has one win under her belt, has a more successful career.
10. Bargaining Power
Bargaining Power has to be the horse currently on the U.S. circuit with something to prove… or at least some bargaining power to gain. Unfortunately, this horse has not yet won a race despite six attempts. We’re wishing him luck next season, where he can hopefully rack up some wins to bargain for some delicious treats.
9. Sinister Minister
What can we say… we’re suckers for a good rhyme. And this sexy name obviously carried him in the 2006 season, where he was a contender for the Triple Crown. He didn’t win any of the three races, but we’ve heard that he’s had an outstanding retirement career in Japan.
8. Panty Raid
This name is obviously making the list for its juvenile sense of humor and absurdism. He has won five races between 2006 and 2007, making Panty Raid a tribute to the dignified institution of horse racing.
7. Cobweb
This horse is for sure long gone, racing back in 1821, but the name Cobweb just feels so playful and spooky. Cobweb is actually undefeated and British! You can decide which of those is cooler.
6. Soup and Sandwich
This slot is devoted to the best horse in the derby, and the best combo meal at Panera Bread. Soup and Sandwich finished first at Tampa Bay in 2021, which is coincidentally when Catherine’s addiction to Panera first started.
5. Maythehorsebewithu
This name is just so precious and goofy. Using a horse-related pun in a famous movie phrase is sure to be fun for the whole family. This horse checks all of our boxes, and received first at Laurel Park in 2022!
4. Fiftyshadesofhay
Obviously, this name is ranked high up on the leader board because it once again combines a horse pun with the title of a movie. We realize that the previous horse’s name also did the same, but this one refers to a sexually explicit film, which inherently makes it funnier. Fiftyshadesofhay has five derby wins, and has scored $1,097,951 in earnings. Considering how much the box office grossed from Fifty Shades of Grey, I think the racehorse deserved more.
3. Notacatbutallama
This one is funny because the horse is neither a cat nor a llama! Notacatbutallama is actually a quite successful racehorse, winning 8 derbies and taking home approximately $789,000 in earnings. More like, Notallamabutacashcow. Check out Notacatbutallama’s Instagram below:
2. Smokin’ Hot Kitty
We are assuming that the name “Smokin’ Hot Horse” had already been taken, otherwise, this name would just be absurd! Nevertheless, Smokin’ Hot Kitty did demonstrate cat-like speed and agility, coming in first place at Saratoga in 2023!
1. Onoitsmymothernlaw
Onoitsmymothernlaw placed first at Saratoga in 2008, and placed first in our hearts on this list. The concept of the announcer shouting, “Oh no it’s my mother-in-law coming around the corner!” is just too hilarious. We’ve all been there, right?
Thanks for coming on this journey with us. Comment below what we should rank next!