I would like to preface this article with a very important note. I am not, and never will be, a psychiatrist or mental health expert of any kind. Everything written here is of my unique, lived experience, and should not be taken in any way as medical or psychiatric advice. If you have ADHD, listen to the advice of your doctor or psychiatrist. If you think you have ADHD, speak to a psychiatrist or other licensed mental health professional. This article is not intended to be an exhaustive list or reflection of every experience or possible experience with ADHD or any other mental health condition. This is my experience, and that is all it should be taken as.
That said—looking back, I cannot believe I, or anyone else in my life, did not figure out I had ADHD sooner. Knowing it now, and having the ability to recognize that I am so far from just “lazy,” as I so long believed, it seems crazy that I went through the first two decades of my life not realizing that I so obviously had it. I by no means consider it my or anyone else’s fault that it went undetected—it is a larger problem with society, and those who should notice these things often ignore or fail to consider that ADHD is not exclusive to primary-school aged boys who cannot sit still during math class. While that certainly can be the case, it is far from the experience of many people. I was, in fact, a very well-behaved kid, and though it took me hours upon hours to force myself to focus-in and get things done I would do them. And my grades were stellar. I was an AP student in high school, overcommitted with every possible extracurricular activity and project I could squeeze into my schedule,days of constant activity from 5am to 8pm were a regular occurrence, and if I had a dollar for every recommended hour of sleep I absolutely did not get, there would be nary an ounce of student debt in my future. Yet, still, I thought I was lazy. I thought if I just tried a little harder, used this or that planner or note taking technique or study tactic, I would get things done without staring at my computer screen for hours, paralyzed, with 85 different thoughts running through my head.
Well, maybe I made it through high school with stellar grades and 5s on more AP exams than anyone will ever care about, but I sure didn’t anticipate what would turn out to be the biggest bane of my college existence: free time. I am more than capable of spending an entire day literally just stressing. Relaxing would be ten times more productive than the way I can sit paralyzed at my desk with mounds of work open in front of me, so many tabs open on my computer I am surprised it isn’t shutting itself down, and so, so much anxiety… for hours and hours. As it turns out, lazy people don’t do that.
It was a few friends of mine who, upon describing their own experiences with ADHD that I related to on a spiritual level, first convinced me to look into the idea of ADHD testing. Though it took forever to actually find a provider that was affordable (hooray, American healthcare system), I was lucky enough to have an amazing experience and finally feel like I was understood and not lazy, or crazy. Finally, almost two years into college and at the age of 20, I got a diagnosis—and finally, things made sense.
Treatment is not a monolith, and the strategies and medications that have worked for me will not work for everyone, nor should they be attempted without the advice of a professional, but I finally feel believed, and I finally feel like I have ground to stand on. Three months ago, it would have taken me hours of executive dysfunction to even start this article, but here we are. Who would have thought that appropriate mental health care would… actually make my life easier? While I certainly still struggle to do certain things and do them when I ideally would, I am so much better at being understanding and kind to the way my brain works. There is nothing wrong with me, and I am extremely smart and capable, not in spite of, but with ADHD.