Because this is meant to be a column about awkward situations commonly shared among college students, lets talk about the most classically awkward occurrence on a college campus in the book: the “Walk of Shame”. So as not to discriminate against readers in monogamous relationships or readers who choose to refrain from reckless physical encounters (aka one night stands), I’d like to clear up any confusion about the definition of “walk of shame”. One common myth about the walk of shame is that it only counts if you are ashamed. Let’s veto this statement right now and establish its complete ludicrousness. If I see a girl walking across campus in a tiny dress and heels at 10 am on a Sunday morning, I do not care whether she is leaving her boyfriend’s room, her BFF’s dorm, or the place of a complete stranger she met the previous night. All I care about is that she is walking across campus at 10 am in a tiny dress and heels. After granting her a brief moment of empathy, I will proceed to judge her and laugh at her unfortunate circumstance in my mind, as is my right and the right of all fellow witnesses.
Therefore, no matter where I’m walking home from or what my relationship status is, I understand that the walk of shame is ALWAYS shameful, and is therefore ALWAYS awkward. For example, lets say you’re out one Thursday night at some classic college theme party that requires you to wear high heels, a tiny dress (not too tiny of course…stay classy NYC), perhaps some excellent accessories (a fanny pack is always a plus) and maybe even some face paint. I understand that this scenario may seem bizarre to those of my readers who do not often attend events in this attire, but I assume most college students who aren’t too cool for school will get where I’m coming from. I’m pretty sure I’ve dressed up for theme parties more nights than I’ve gone out in my regular clothes (aka the dress and heels without the fanny pack…amiright?!) since entering college. So, you’re hanging out with your friends at this total rage fest, when suddenly you begin to feel a bit strange and quite silly from all the “sugar” in your “soda”. You run into a guy you know who lives right by the party venue, so he offers you his couch for the night. Feeling too “silly” to walk the ten blocks back to your dorm, you gladly accept his offer.
I know some of you readers might be thinking that this guy only offered you his couch as a ploy to engage in promiscuous activity, but that is not the case I’m trying to outline here, and that situation would not be funny in the least. My point in using a scenario in which the protagonist goes home with someone but does not engage in promiscuous activity with him is to show that regardless of your actions the previous night, your walk back to your dorm in the morning will inevitably be shameful and awkward.
So, the next morning you wake up on the couch, still wearing your little dress with makeup smeared on your face and atrocious bedhead. Your first thought is that you seriously need to brush your teeth and drink some water. However, as you begin to comprehend your current situation a bit further, you suddenly face the sobering reality that you live all the way across campus and will have to face the humiliation of a walk of shame, despite your lack of legitimate shame. You ponder whether you would appear more graceful walking barefoot while carrying your heels, or if you should stagger across campus in the horrendous heels that apparently blistered your feet quite intensely the previous night. You decide to brave the heels, and slip them back on your feet before you attempt to calm your frighteningly lively mane and scrub last night’s makeup off your face. After about 10 minutes of pointless primping, you make your way to your friend’s dorm lobby, retrieve your ID from the security guard while attempting to avoid awkward eye contact, and stumble into the obnoxiously bright daylight of a buzzing Friday morning campus. So there you are: making your way through campus in your heels and tiny dress as you walk by other students in jeans and T-shirts carrying their backpacks to class. If you didn’t feel awkward during the security guard confrontation, you certainly do now. You pray that nobody you know will see you, which obviously means you walk right by a group of guys you know from one of your classes and they mercilessly laugh at your ridiculous appearance and obvious shame. Of course, you desperately want to tell these guys that you aren’t actually engaged in a legitimate walk of shame because nothing happened the previous night, but that would simply make matters worse. So now you look like a complete hot mess and everyone who sees you simply assumes that you’re not quite as innocent as you generally let on. To make matters worse, you casually walk by a family with young children as well as a campus tour for perspective students on your way home, and endure judgmental stares from each and every one of these perfect strangers. There is no way to gracefully handle the situation, nor is there any way to ease the awkwardness. Therefore, I will not bother laying out various options for damage control. All you can do is wear those heels with pride, pray you don’t trip, and later think to yourself: That was awkward.