Twitter is ALMOST a really great idea. It allows music artists and actors to announce upcoming album releases and movie premieres. It is a hub of interesting news and blog articles. It is an excellent source of publicity for political figures, celebrities, and…complete nobodys?
It is useful/informative/not a waste of time when President Obama tweets about his plans for health care reform. It is mildly interesting/sort of weird when he tweets about the great Mexican restaurant he went to last night. It is stupid/a giant waste of time when the girl down the hall tweets about the great Mexican restaurant she went to last night (especially because it was Blockheads, and nobody goes there to eat food anyway). So for all you non-celebs out there, and even a vast number of tweet-happy A- and B-listers, here are just some of the things that we do not need to know about.
#OMGZZLovingMySororitySisterzzzRightNow
Oh you’re in a sorority? I couldn’t tell from the Greek letters in your bio and the picture of you doing a weird signal with your hand that looks nothing like a Phi.
#MyPersonalCritiqueOfLatest#1Album
Sorry you didn’t think Mylo Xyloto was as creative, inspirational, or original as an obscure, unknown Coldplay song from 2000, but it seemed to be good enough for the 1 million+ iTunes users that purchased it.
#WhatABeautifulDayInNYC
Those of us lucky enough to have apartments that face the streets instead of airshafts can figure this one out for ourselves, thank you very much. And if you are one of the many New Yorkers who does not get the light of day in your apartment, I bet you still could have ascertained the status of the weather without looking to Twitter as your meteorologist.
#DeepEmotionalTroubles
Umm,TMI. Sorry about your tragic breakup, failing GPA, and exhaustion, but do you really want the world hearing about it? Even if you do want everyone to know your deepest emotions, we, your readers, don’t.
#ILoveBeingAHipsterCheckOutMyArtsyInstagram
First of all, if you call yourself a hipster, you probably aren’t really a hipster. Second of all, if you Instagram pictures on a regular basis, you probably aren’t really a hipster. Lastly, if you use Twitter enough to know how to Instagram, you definitely aren’t a hipster.
#HereIsMyMinuteByMinuteScheduleToday
Oh my goodness you woke up? And then went to class? And then got coffee? And then went back to class? That is a revolutionary way to live life. Thanks for the inspiration, friend.
#I’mFamousButHaveRealPeopleProblemsLikePayingBillsAndChippingMyNailpolish
Let’s get real, Kim Kardashian, you are not a real celeb or a real person. And the last thing you worry about is your bills. But I believe you about the nail chipping. When you get your nails done three times a week that’s definitely a bummer when it doesn’t even last three days.
#OmgStressHomeworkFinalsColumbiaIsHard
Oh it’s finals week? I hadn’t noticed. It’s not like every single person on this campus is also studying for endless tests and completing hundreds of pages of research. So I’m glad that you’ve decided to alert the media and announce the personal stress that you alone are experiencing.
All in all, friends, PDT if you think that if you told someone in real life, they wouldn’t really care. But do tell us about the hot new barista in Joe’s because THAT is real news.