Kim Kardashian’s game was released in 2014, meaning it is six years old. Six years old. I first downloaded it when I was 13 years old, entering eighth grade, and I just couldn’t get into it. I deleted the game before I ever became an A-list celebrity.
If you’ve been living under a rock for the last decade, here’s a quick explanation of the premise. While closing up the store you work at in Downtown LA, Kim Kardashian runs into you and asks if you can sell her a dress for her shoot (because I guess she forgot her clothes?) and you reopen the shop for her. Instead of paying you in money (even though her net worth is $350,000), she invites you to come to her photoshoot with her and you begin your climb to stardom. You start as an E-list celebrity, and the goal is to become an A-lister and the #1 model. By doing photoshoots, creating a reality TV show, buying a hair salon, dating famous people, etc., you climb the ranks of celebrity life.
It’s really not very fun; you just tap on circles until you get 5-star ratings on public appearances. Every tap costs energy, too, and you only get one energy every 5 minutes. That’s how she traps you in her game, having you staring at your five-minute timer until you have enough energy to walk down the runway.
So why, why, why did I re-download it in 2020, at 18 years old? And why am I enjoying it?
I was reintroduced to the game by my 40-year-old high school math teacher, who was one of my BFFs during my senior year. On the fateful week of spring break this year, I inquired about his sanity in quarantine and, to display his insanity, he replied that he had just downloaded the Kim Kardashian game.
Maybe it was to stand in solidarity with him or just out of curiosity that I downloaded the game. Maybe I thought, if my 13-year-old self didn’t like it, but this 40-year-old man does, maybe the game gets better with age? In any case, I downloaded this game and subsequently ruined my life.
Do I blame my math teacher for ruining my life? Absolutely.
Here is a real text I sent like 30 minutes before starting this article: “Omg I am in trouble because Kim K didn’t tell me I started an 8-hour shoot and I only have 4 hours to get five stars and I have no energy.”
I literally sent that text while I was in my Zoom class, because I was playing the game while I was in class. I’ll often put my phone in the crease of my computer so I can see my class notes while I’m playing this game. I’m sure Kim is helping people with her new law career, but she sure is making me a worse student.
Honest to God, Kim Kardashian is ruining my life. Just the other day I spent an hour looking up different mods to the game so I could get infinite money in it. Two nights ago I set an alarm for 2 am because I knew my energy would have refilled by that time. I can’t sit through a movie without checking how my reality show is doing.
In one of my last articles, I reminded people not to download TikTok during quarantine. I’d like to retract that statement and replace it with this: Do not, under any circumstances, download Kim Kardashian’s game.
Stay safe, stay sane, eat the rich, and stay away from Kim Kardashian.