Going to a women’s college, I am constantly reminded to be aware of bias and to change biases around me. One of the Barnard first-year requirements is taking First-Year Seminar and First-Year Writing, both of which look at a plethora of texts that examine societal issues. In response, we are supposed to reevaluate our relationship with society. What I am beginning to learn from these texts and from the brilliant women I surround myself with is that there are so many bad habits that have been instilled in me, and I must break out of to become a stronger and more self-secure individual.
1. Saying sorry
I am someone who hates telling people that I am sorry when they actually deserve to hear it. My pride is large and I hate admitting that I am wrong. I never say sorry when I should, but I do say sorry when I shouldn’t. I will apologize about little things that do not even deserve apologies, especially things that happened to me. If someone walks into me on the street, I am the one who throws out a quick, “Sorry,” and receives a glare in return.
I have learned that I say sorry because I was constantly taught to overthink everything I do to the point where I think that it is actually my fault that someone crashed into me because I did not move out of the way. I am constantly trying to justify the rationale on how it’s my fault because women are taught to be guilty. Women are taught to apologize when they don’t look “neat” or their makeup isn’t on because we are expected to be perfect objects instead of human beings. The constant apologizing only perpetuates the idea that women cannot break from conformity, and that they should be guilty if they do so.
Because of that, I am no longer saying sorry unless I should.
2. Letting people walk all over me
Before college, I condensed myself into the smallest spaces that I could. I let others take up as much space they wanted while keeping myself “docile,” in a sense. In order to create the least amount of conflict, I took the backseat and let others take control and continue shrinking my space.
I had never realized that I make gigantic maneuvers to get out of people’s way on the street until someone pointed out that I had walked all the way to the other part of the crosswalk to get out of some giant man’s way. I realized that people charged in my direction on the street because I let them do so. If I presented myself as a confident person, no one would expect me to move for them. I tried that trick of not moving out of the way when a man is about to walk into me, and in the past week, I have crashed into five men.
Society has told me for years that I must be polite, and I will continue to be, but I also have to put myself first and reclaim my space.
3. Asking for help
I am someone who is independent, and it is often to my own detriment. I came from a competitive educational environment where other students shamed people who asked for help. I internalized that belief and allowed myself to struggle instead of asking any outside questions. In the end, I ended up wasting hours on what would have taken me minutes if I had asked for help.
While independence and self-sufficiency are great things to strive for, collaboration is equally as important in becoming a stronger individual. I did not realize until I came to Barnard that asking for help is not weak, but instead a way to help myself. Communication is key in developing as a student and a person, and by not communicating my struggles, I was hindering myself. I still struggle with asking for help, and some part of me will probably always struggle with it. I am making the effort now, though, which is all I can ask for.
Society taught me that in order to be a top student, I needed to be an island and never seek the aid that I needed. I truly believe that those years of not asking for help gave me a work ethic that I would not trade for anything, but there are times when I am unable to do something by myself, and now, I have others to help me.