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How Not to Flirt

It’s Saturday night, you’re at Mel’s, and the parade of thoughts marching through your mind looks something like this:

  • It’s the last night of the weekend.  If I don’t meet someone amazing tonight, I’ll have to wait till senior night Wednesday to try again and I just might PERISH before then!
  • Should I try Tinder again?
  • How can I tell all these boys apart? They’re all wearing the same light blue checkered Oxford. :/
  • Wow, look at that girl so seductively fondling the buttons of that boy’s light blue checkered oxford. That’s like…TEXTBOOK flirting!
  • I wish I knew how to flirt…

Well, stop wishing and start READING! Because while I might not know how to flirt, I can certainly tell you how not to flirt.

1)  Don’t blackout!

If you’re blackout, you not only don’t know what you said to your crush, you also don’t know who your crush is, if you were in the same building as your crush, if you made it into the building or got buffed by the bouncer, or even if you made it out of the pregame. It’s hard to be seductive when your entire body weight is hanging on their shoulder and you’re giving and impassioned, slurred soliloquy on your ex’s new boo’s tacky aesthetic.

2) Liking their post on social media does not count as “a move”.

Don’t get me wrong – the amount of pep talks, motivational speeches, pros and cons lists, and straight up chutzpah needed to make such a move is nothing short of HEROIC. That being said, the person who received the “like” or even “love” (thanks for letting us express our true range of emotions, @Facebook) probably did not interpret it as a declaration of undying amore. You think, “Okay, so now they know. And then they’ll DM me saying ‘;)’ or not and then I’ll know.” Meanwhile, they think “Huh. Yeah, this picture of my new kicks was dope. *100 emoji*”

3) Don’t touch them too much.

There’s a difference between putting your hand on the small of someone’s back once you’re feeling good vibes as you lean in to order your drink (subtle! coy!) versus running your fingers down their spine as you simultaneously reach your hand out to say “Hello! Nice to meet you.” It’s creepy, non-consensual, and will lead to them making a quick exit. One time, a friend asked me if he should just walk up to his crush who he didn’t know was gay and grab his junk. I said “no, you probably shouldn’t.” I stand by that statement.

4) Don’t over or under self deprecate.

 

Nothing is less attractive than someone who can’t make fun of themselves. You know your “D.A.R.E.” t-shirt is a trope. I know your “D.A.R.E.” t-shirt is a trope. So, let’s talk about it and make fun of YOU together. Conversely, the person who makes fun of themselves too much can be just as unattractive as the person who doesn’t make fun of themselves enough. If you use a line like, “Haha, my mom thinks I’m going to die alone,” don’t be surprised if I immediately get an emergency text causing me to go to the other side of the bar. 

5) Don’t yawn, claim fatigue, and ask if the person wants to leave with you until AT LEAST two conversation topics and ten minutes into meeting.

Use time to your advantage; nothing is more coy than hearing “last call” and then nudging the person with whom you’re talking, winking and saying “wanna get out of here?” Nothing!

You’ve heard the thing about snowflakes being unique, but I bet you didn’t know people were unique too! Each person is different and different flirting tricks and tips are going to work for different combinations of people. In general though, just being “chill” is gonna help you woo awesome people with much greater frequency than being “not-chill”. The more you know!

**Disclaimer: This article is a personal piece and does not necessarily reflect the views of Her Campus Media.

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