Navigating the social world is a difficult thing. To some it comes naturally, I applaud those some. To others, such as myself, it is a constant struggle. On the occasion that I make it to a social event, thoughts that frequent my mind include: “What am I supposed to say?,” “Is now the time to laugh?,” “Why is she looking at me? Do I have something in my teeth?,” “How can I inconspicuously remove said thing from my teeth?,” “Is that socially acceptable?.” It’s all confusing and headache inducing.
So, I am going to do what I wish someone had done for me — provide you with an exhaustive, detailed list of how to be social. Follow these simple rules and you’ll be the envy of all eyes, anywhere you go. (You’re welcome).
1. Dress Right
Make sure you’re wearing the correct bottom, top, shoes, jacket and accessories. You can do that. Just pick out that thing in your closet that you’re supposed to wear to the specific social even that you’re going to—houldn’t be that hard.
2. Talk Right
Don’t say the things you’re not supposed to say. Think about it first — is it offensive? Is it funny? No, but is it really funny? You sure? Is it interesting? Will it sound weird? Will you look weird saying it? How will this person respond? Is it worth saying? Chances are, it’s probably not. Best way to make sure you don’t say the wrong thing is to not say anything at all. So, anytime you go anywhere, don’t say anything. Simple.
3. Arrive at the Appropriate Time
A party that’s called for 8? Come at 6:30. Everyone loves an early bird. Dinner for 7? Arrive no earlier than 8:15, so that you don’t do something wrong like eat all the food. Because, let’s be real, if you show up on time, you’ll do something wrong.
4. Exit at the appropriate time.
Party called for 8, you’re there at 6:30, leave by 8:15. Dinner called for 7, you’re there at 8:15, graciously exit no earlier than 11 PM.
5. Know when to employ your phone.
Your phone is your friend, but not your best friend. There’s a fine line—learn how to balance it. Make sure you’re not caught lurking alone. No one wants a loner. If you’re in a corner not talking to anyone, AND not on your phone, others will feel bad for you, or worse, feel compelled to talk to you. Don’t put anyone in that situation; it’s just rude.
6. Constantly be “On”
This is important. Don’t miss cues. Know what to do at all times. Don’t look bored. Do everything right. You got it!
So, I clearly ‘don’t got it’ and I don’t know the rules. It’s all a learning process; we are all in it. It’s complicated and I encourage each of you to find your own path that works for you. There’s no “right” way to do something. Just be yourself, and whoever loves you for that is worth your time.