Guide to Drunk Eating for Baller$ on a Budget

Saturday nights can take a fast turn from belligerent bliss to 3:00AM cravings, and there is no shittier feeling than a cashless wallet.  Stumbling into Tom's and realizing you are not functional enough to operate that goddam ATM or catching a whiff of Koronet’s greasy wonderment as you exit Mel’s is a dark place that we have all been before. 

Luckily, baller$ on a budget can, too, hoard their calories with a couple of creative and borderline illegal tactics.

1. Some noobs aren’t equipped to finish a full slice of Koro’s (see: middle schoolers and skinny hoes).  It ain’t no thang to courteously ask for their leftovers (I have done this before, it has proven to be successful).

2. For the flirty type: pretending that you’ve never had Tom’s before and insisting on losing your Tom’s virginity with that special someone is a prime way to cop some free mozzstix and pancakes, given he pays as any gentleman oughtta. Take a tacky picture outside Seinfeld’s old stomping grounds to make your naiveté more authentic.  

3. Are you vegan or a spiritless soul? Grab a loose tomato, apple, or pepper from Westside’s outside stand.  The security is loose there, I would know.  

Best of luck, baller$.  For more tips you can find me parked outside of Insomnia begging on my knees for cookies.

Izi out.  


*Photo courtesy of