By the time November rolls around, one of three relationship statuses usually applies to how a collegiette feels about her roommate: 1. Absolutely love her, she’s my BFF, and we have pillow talk across the room late at night, 2. Eh she’s okay, we aren’t really friends but we can live together peacefully enough, or 3. Who is this girl, why is she so annoying/dirty/rude, and when can I move out?? If we’re verging on tape-line-across-the-floor territory or if the movie The Roommate is starting to look borderline appealing, enough is enough. Not everyone is close to her roommate, and sometimes it can be a good thing for your sanity and personal space not to be live-in BFFs, but you absolutely deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your own room. Read on for some classic roommate nightmares and suggestions for how to address them, along with a little advice gleaned from U.S. News & World Report’s Education section. We’re all strong, beautiful Barnard women living on our own in New York City—this is no time to let dirty laundry or late night noise get us down!
The Messy Roommate:
Everyone has their messy days, the ones when your laundry becomes bed décor—totally normal. If, however, your roommate’s messy day is more like a messy eternity and it’s starting to impact your life, it’s time to speak up. Much as it feels awkward to call her on her clutter, it’s way worse to have that conversation after a roach or two has crawled from under the piles. Pick a quiet moment when you’re both in the room and tell her you’ve been thinking about making a list of cleaning chores for the room/apartment because you feel like things have gotten kind of messy. Then ask if it would be okay with her if you divided the tasks up together so that things stay livable and no one is permanently stuck with the nastier jobs. If she agrees, perfect! If she’s not into the idea or truly gives you a hard time, ask your RA to help you out. You deserve a clean living space if you want one, so the RA can help you work out a compromise!
The Noisy Roommate:
Noisiness is a little trickier than messiness since you can’t just point to the floor as an example. You’d think your roommate would know that screaming into her phone late at night probably isn’t stellar space-sharing behavior, but you just never know. Don’t try to have a conversation about it at the time she makes the noise, since chances are pretty good you’ve just been woken up or you’re studying and won’t be able to have a calm, friendly talk. When the moment arises, mention that you’ve been finding it difficult to sleep/read/etc in the room and suggest a “No Talking on the Phone in the Room After 11pm” rule or maybe ask her to close the door more gently when she comes home late at night. Start with the noisiest, more inconsiderate behavior that has been bothering you. Make sure that you’re using headphones, closing the door gently, and talking quietly too to model the kind of room environment you want to have and to encourage her to join in.
The Nocturnal Roommate:
Given how personal someone’s need for rest is, you only have so much control over your roommate’s seemingly non-existent sleep habits. That being said, your shared room is probably not an appropriate location for all-nighters. A desk or bedside lamp is totally reasonable; the overhead lights are not. On a similar note, she can’t help that her keyboard isn’t silent when she types but she can definitely leave the room before answering her phone or starting a 2am Skype marathon (it happens). Pick your battles wisely and try not to confront the issue when you’re desperately trying to catch some zs in the middle of the night. You’re totally entitled to roll over and say, “Would you mind talking in the lounge? I’m having a hard time falling asleep,” but leave The Talk for after you’ve gotten some coffee the next day. Enlist your RA if you can’t make progress on your own; sleep is critical to a collegiette™’s physical and emotional well-being!
The Roommate with the Live-In Significant Other:
When you started college, you obviously knew you would have a roommate—you just didn’t anticipate having two. While your roommate may feel entitled to have her significant other around more and more as you both settle into the room, it’s a double room—not a spontaneous sexual triple. First and foremost, most people are totally uncomfortable with just the thought of a roommate hooking up on one side of the room while the other studies or sleeps a mere six feet away. If you fall into this category, speak up loudly and clearly the very first time you find yourself witnessing an unwanted show. A reasonable standard seems to be that the significant other should be sleeping in your room less than half of the nights in a week and should almost never be in there without your roommate herself present. Your room isn’t a holding tank or the set of a porno and your roommate has to understand that. Sit her down and explain very clearly what makes you uncomfortable; this is probably the area where you can be most aggressive in addressing roommate problems since it’s the most blatantly inappropriate behavior!
According to U.S. News & World Report’s Brian Burnsed, who writes on all things college-related for the news source, “One of the most important factors in your success as a college freshman is your rapport with your roommate…If you’re unwilling to take the necessary steps to communicate, conflict will arise when stress levels spike” (“5 Tips to Getting Along with Your Roommate” August 13, 2010). With just three of his five tips, so many awkward and unnecessary roommate dramas could be avoided: 1. Don’t Let Problems Pile Up, 2. Compromise, and 3. Set Rules. If you feel that something happening in your room is totally inappropriate or unfair, it probably is. As long as you have reasonable expectations about your roommate’s behavior, you have every right to say something. It’s your room too and your home away from home for the year; speak up and never be afraid to ask for outside help!