Back in September, all five Kardashian sisters teamed up to launch their apps, which would offer personalized content to their fans for the low, low price of $2.99 a month (per app, of course — this isn’t a charity). Now that the entertainment moguls have worked out all the kinks — we see you with that late launch, Kourtney — we’ve decided to take a closer look at these subscription services so that you don’t have to do so. Here’s everything you need to know (and some things you definitely don’t) about the Kardashian app universe.
1) Khloe
Khloe’s app has fewer categories than her sisters’ platforms, but do not let that confuse you. Khloe offers just as much content, but she only divides it into three sections, probably because she was too lazy to come up with five subheadings! These subcategories are: FIT, KHLOE XO, and GLAM. FIT is devoted to Khloe’s personal mission in this life: perfecting her revenge body. This includes informational work out videos such as “Working Out (Even if You’re Not Feeling It),” and inspirational tips on eating less, like “so many veggies, so fucking good!” In KHLOE XO, we get the candid Khloe we know and love, sharing random thoughts she has during the day! I don’t know what goes on in GLAM, because I honestly couldn’t summon the energy to click on it.
2) Kourtney
Kourtney’s app, like Kourtney, is the most boring of all the Kardashian-Jenner apps. The most interesting part of Kourtney’s platform is her DELISH section. One recurring feature of this platform is the “Good-For-You-Glossary,” in which she lists the very few foods she is allowed to eat! Previous features include cinnamon (yes, just the spice). In the same section, Kourtney has a video where she directs the viewer in her clinically insane way of eating Kit Kats, which she says takes so long that by the end of the first stick you won’t be hungry for the rest of the Kit Kat! This advice is life-changing.
3) Kim
The app is a natural platform for Kim, the first Kardashian to make a science (art?) out of every day acts of extreme self-documentation. Unfortunately, Kim’s in total mommy mode right now, which means no drunken selfie videos with her sisters. What we do get is a lot of behind the scenes access to Kim’s insane closet, and some barely sentient musings on her exercise regime and lifestyle. I’d say skip this $2.99 price tag for now and check back in when Kim starts planning North and Blue Ivy’s inevitable nuptials.
4) Kendall
Kendall Jenner has something that is very rare within the Kardashian universe: a job. As an actually sought after supermodel, Kendall lives the kind of life that lends itself to covetable content — beautiful friends, hot celebrity flings, jetsetting style and international runways.
5) Kylie
Oh, Kylie. With the highest grossing app of all her sisters, it’s safe to say that taloned millenial Kylie Jenner has truly outdone herself. This app has it all: Tyga not understanding that he’s on livestream. Kylie trying and failing to pick up a grape with her pointy, lacquered fake fingernails. Kylie sharing pearls of wisdom and New Year’s resolutions that sound like half finished mad libs. Kylie showing us all the rooms in her mansion, including her terrifying wig hall. Kylie displaying her very expensive, unfathomably ugly cars. Kylie trying to pretend that the only “secret” to her new body is a waist trainer and a push-up bra. It’s hard to say what makes Kylie so fascinating, but it’s safe to say that I’m never deleting the Kylie Jenner app off my phone.