Columbia, like ABC’s Scandal, is full of scandals.
Nutella-gate…and probably some other ones! While I was pitched this article as “CU’s Biggest Scandals”, I got distracted during my copious research not by the scandals we have weathered, but by the myriad of CU mysteries yet unsolved.
As a senior, I’ve found answers to many of the questions I asked as a freshman. For example, how do I get to the Schermerhorn extension? What is the best time to get a seat in ref? Can I skim Ovid? However, there are some facets of Columbia so utterly inexplicable, so deeply mysterious, I doubt I will ever find answers. For example, why is there a Schermerhorn extension?! For more burning questions I don’t have answers to, keep reading (and DM me if you can help a girl out).
The Changing Faces of Campo, Il Cibreo, Amigos
Somewhere in the dim, primordial past of Morningside Heights, the Tex-Mex institution now known as Amigos was an Italian restaurant called Campo. Campo had mediocre Italian food and hosted many Greek events. For no stated reason, Campo closed and was replaced in 2012 by an Italian restaurant called Il Cibreo with very similar food and decor. In 2013, ownership changed again with no explanation offered – this time bringing us Amigos, infamous for its actively bad Mexican food and amazingly cheap margaritas. In a final twist, Amigos hired a mildly famous celebrity chef in the summer of 2014, revamped its menu, and now serves kind of good Mexican food with their cheap margaritas! My question is: WHY?! Why did none of the former establishments explain their closing? Why did the second mediocre establishment think it could succeed where the previous mediocre Italian restaurant had failed? Also, why is the outdoor seating area of Amigos always completely full with adults at two o’clock in the afternoon?
The Unpopularity of The Heights
With its Christmas lights and scenic roof deck featuring a retractable cover, The Heights has all the makings of Barnumbia’s most successful bar. However, every year once NSOP ends, The Heights is immediately deserted by undergrads after about 11:00 PM. Why can’t The Heights retain its NSOP-level popularity into the school year? Is there something about margaritas that CU just doesn’t like? I may never understand. Consider Her Campus Barnard’s collaborations with The Heights an attempt to remedy this issue.
The Mysterious Dog of Cannon’s & Manhattanville Students
There are two patrons of Cannon’s – which is actually now Tara Hill Tavern – whose presence I will never understand. The first is a dog I saw peeing on the floor there the last night of sophomore year. Why would you bring your dog to Cannon’s? Are you allowed to bring your dog to Cannon’s? The second is the large contingent of Manhattanville College students known to frequent Cannon’s. What is it about this specific ‘Irish Tavern’ that draws students from a full hour away to come all the way into Manhattan, but not venture below 100th Street? Does the jukebox even work? Also, why is Cannon’s now Tara Hill Tavern; what instigated such a wildly unnecessary redesign?
The Organization of Morton Williams
This might be the biggest mystery on this list. Why are there two separate frozen foods sections, unrelated and across the store from each other? Why is premade sushi next to Panera brand soup? Why is the cleaning items section in a weird back cube between the two frozen food sections? Why are toiletries on a very high shelf directly behind the cash registers? Why is there a screen above the cash register stating one rotating line of news? Most importantly, why is a bag of grapes $11, but a large corporate fruit platter $7?!
Locations of Good On Campus Coffee
Why are the two objectively best on campus cafes – Joe and Brownie’s – located directly beneath libraries that have extremely strict food and drink rules? This is literally the bane of my existence; I cannot tell you how many times I have spilled scalding hot $5 lattes on myself when trying to hide them under my coat while entering NoCo. What is the point of this? Why are we allowed to drink endless amounts of Blue Java (which I am pretty sure is water with brown food coloring) in Butler, but not actually caffeinated drinks anywhere else?
Butler Cafe vs. Cafe East Sushi
Butler Cafe and Cafe East are on-campus dining establishments a mere couple hundred feet apart. Yet, for some reason they serve very different brands of sushi, and while Cafe East’s is mediocre, Butler’s is probably poisonous. Why is there not one centralized sushi distributor on campus? Where does Butler even get its sushi, when the closest sushi kitchen is Cafe East?! Why does the Butler sushi only include calories on half the types of sushi?
Butler Cafe Food
On a similar note, what is going on with the food sold in Butler Cafe in general? Who buys the $9 tubes of gourmet chocolate covered espresso beans? Why do they charge $0.27 for a cup of tap water? Why did they replace Nacho Cheese Doritos with objectively weird and inferior Cool Ranch Doritos?
As the first semester of senior year draws to a close, I wonder whether my questions will be answered in my final semester here. Probably not, but you can find me pondering these and other of life’s big questions over a spicy chicken sushi roll in But Caf.