These past couple of weeks, my procrastination and overall inadequacy for being a functioning human have really been testing their limits. I’ve barely been able to read, write, or even stay awake for more than three hours. That’s okay, though! In the name of self-care, I redefined success as the ability to get out of bed before 2 p.m.
As such, those of you anxiously awaiting part two of my rant about activism at Columbia are sure to be disappointed. I have been procrastinating on that piece because I want to get it right and now I feel pressured to do it. So instead, I’m going to rant about avocados.
I’d just like to start out by saying that wearing avocado earrings does not make you “hip.” Neither do beanies or bucket hats, while we’re at it. You all have to stop dressing like Emma Chamberlain. If you have an avocado plushie on your bed or an avocado t-shirt, you are part of the problem. People like you are responsible for making avocados a “thing,” which means that you are directly responsible for their presence in 90 percent of vegetarian dishes, which is really upsetting because now I actually like them.
Avocados aren’t even that great. They’re just overpriced, green, mushy, fatty, fruity things. And look, I get the appeal. They’re so versatile they’ve become impossible to ignore. Making a salad? Add avocado! Sushi? With avocado! Making toast? Spread that avocado. Society made me like avocados, and now I have to pay $1.49 every time I want them as a topping.
The culinary world is falling apart because of avocados. Does anyone even appreciate a good, sophisticated, hearty meal anymore? All people want now is avocado toast. Now anyone can just spread avocado on toasted bread, add some peppers, and call themselves a chef. It’s insulting. My mom taught me to cook and raised me to be a good old-fashioned housewife. Where am I going to place my worth now that any stupid millennial can make their family an avocado toast and call it a meal?
I think we should move on to the next thing. It’s time we all go back to appreciating the tomatoes and potatoes of the world. It’s time to let avocados go.