At last, the day of love, the day of cheap chocolate, the day of badly made Hallmark movies, is finally upon us. For the last 18 years of my life, I hated this day except when I got myself a box of heart-shaped candy and pretended I had a secret admirer to my mom … She saw right through it.
Up until this year when I started dating my boyfriend, I truly thought I was going to continue this Valentine’s Day tradition for the rest of my life. Thanks to my partner, this year, I will spend it in Connecticut watching said Hallmark movies in a king-size bed. I’m quite excited to say the least.
However, before this relationship, I never thought I was worthy of romantic events like that. I’ve had my fair share of crappy men tell me that I should give up on looking for a boyfriend, that my disability and values were “uncool” and boys wanted a pretty, ~flexible~ girl. It stung, I’ll admit it. I wanted the Noah to my Allie, but instead, I assumed that being alone was my fate.
When I came to Barnard, I discovered the magical world of Tinder. Through the sleazy hookup app, I secretly wanted a Columbia man to fall in love with me and we would marry, have Ivy-League legacy children, and create a Bill and Melinda Gates-type philanthropic organization. Instead, what I got was less-than-acceptable guys who wanted my body, but not my soul and personality. The thrill was fun, but I had to realize that I wasn’t respecting myself and my values.
Post-spring break freshman year, I met my first boyfriend. It was a fun fling for the last month of the year. I had a date to formal, someone to cuddle with, and laugh together.
All was fun and games until the semester ended and it was time to go home. He wanted to see other girls over the summer instead of staying with me. It broke my heart. I angrily wrote my final public health class final on hating and destruction of polio, but it was a metaphor for my ex. I got an A on that final, but I was back to trying to reevaluate my self-respect.
Over the past summer, I did just that, spending it in Los Angeles with grandparents, working in different law firms and “living my best life.” I told myself that I would swear off men until I had enough time to reflect on what I truly wanted in a partner. Who am I as a person? I am a queen, a disability icon after all (or I at least tell myself) — and I need to find someone who will treat me as such. It was a pretty positive and successful three months, especially when I met my current partner.
We started dating when I returned from LA. I fell for him quickly, but I had to make sure I didn’t fall in the same traps I had with my ex and past Tinder boys. What is important to me — self-respect, open communication, acceptance of flaws, support for our hopes and dreams — needed to be as equally important to my partner. What I did differently, and what ended up being successful, was telling him these priorities before we made our relationship official. I needed to be sure. I needed to be confident in myself and in how I wanted to see myself before I let him into my life. Well, let’s just say six months later, everything has been falling into place.
To not end on too much of a mushy place, I will say that to this day, it has still been a challenge. There are times when I just want to give up and fall back into the trap of losing my values to some loser. I want to scream into my pillow because I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship and to be with another person. I constantly have to fight the demons in the back of my head, from the constant reminders from the a-holes who told me that I wasn’t cut out for dating. Yes, it is a crappy reminder to think, especially when I want to say screw you and go love my man, but it’s part of human nature to ruminate on those past emotions. Soooo, if anyone has any idea on how to get rid of them permanently, by all means, hit up my DMs and tell me. I’m all ears.