Taylor Swift wrote an article for Elle called “30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30,” and as the poor man’s Taylor Swift (I too, write scathing pieces about those who do me dirty. Look at my entire Her Campus repertoire), I decided to take matters into my own hands and do my own, far superior version.
According to my birth certificate. I turn 19 this year. This is an odd feeling as a large part of me is still twelve and the other part of me is picking up her social security check every month. As I approach the finale of my teen years, people tell me things will get better. I do not believe them, but I have another three and a half years of writing one of these a week, so you all will be quite aware if the beginning of my adulthood is truly the flower and unicorn party I have been promised. Since I am such a benevolent individual, I am here to give some wise tidbits that I have picked up in my lifetime.
1. It’s okay to be ugly; pretty people will grow ugly too but they’ll still be stupid. Who cares if they look like Emma Watson? Soon, they will look like Danny Devito just like you do (except Blake Lively, she looks better with age). Smart will forever be sexy, however. Hold onto intellect because as Judge Judy says, “Beauty fades, stupid is forever.”
2. Sometimes it’s important to disappoint your parents. As someone who constantly disappoints her parents, I have personal experience with this. Disappointing your parents is something you have to do so they finally acknowledge that you are a failure.
3. People really don’t like it when you rate them on a five-star scale. This is apparently rude.
4. Everyone at your elite college peaked in high school. I realized this when I came to the conclusion that I in fact peaked in high school. Surprising, right? Then I started looking around me and finally knew that everyone else had to have peaked in high school to get into a place like Columbia. To those who still are cool, I hope you get your tongue stuck to a pole.
5. The dorm will not fine you for putting pushpins in the wall. I keep getting notifications that my room passed inspection. so I think that I beat the system. If I do get a massive fine, you will be notified.
6. Assert your dominance. Make an all-Nickelback playlist and see how long it takes your friends to turn it off. Bonus points if you repeat “Photograph” three or four times in a row. If you manage to make everyone listen all the way through, dominance has been asserted.
7. The Bachelor is a social experiment. Prove me wrong.
8. Finding the right friends is an important skill. Pick your friends by picturing whether if they were put in the woods, they could survive natural selection. As someone who would not, I must surround myself with people who would make it.
9. Never try an item from a “must have” list. They are not meant for real people. Unless you are a flower or 5’10’’, everything will usually look like a sack.
10. Screw all your human friends. Dogs happen to be nicer, cleaner, and better to look at.
11. Don’t call a man a “dog.” Dogs are precious. Men are trash.
12. Making friends is weird. Maybe it’s just me, but I am always sure that people hate me until I realize that they’re actually my friend. So I guess what I am trying to say is be nice to people because maybe they’re your friend.
13. Competitive eating is a sport, so feel free to call yourself an athlete. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not sporty when you’re eating an entire pint of ice cream.
14. Surround yourself with who you want to be. I want to go to Paris, so I wear deodorant called ‘Paris’. Does it smell like Paris? Survey says no. But it’s the little things that count.
15. Don’t take advice from people who use their middle names. I have come to the conclusion that YouTubers should not be trusted for legitimate life advice. If you’re paid millions to talk about how you might have seen a ghost on your bus, then you cannot answer life’s biggest questions. Look at Olivia Jade. She talks about life and her parents bought her admission into college. She uses her middle name. Coincidence? I think not.
16. People who unironically drink the Shamrock Shake should be avoided. They taste terrible. They’re not even made of real shamrocks or leprechauns, pfsh.
17. Kale sucks. People who eat kale are just pretending to like it to look healthy. One day, the world will be fully willing to admit that kale tastes like dirty dish water. Romaine and spinach are the superior types of lettuce.
18. There is never an inappropriate time to wear a turtleneck. Turtlenecks look good any season for any occasion.
19. If you have a problem, write about it for Her Campus and force everyone you know to read about it.