So, now that I’ve gotten my utterly disgusting underarm sweating controlled, I’ve finally been able to wear all those clothes in my closet that have been sitting. Which is great and all, but I realized that since it’s been over three years since I could wear those things, I either a)no longer fit them or b)they don’t really mesh with who I am anymore.
In fact, it’s been so long since I’ve been able to wear real clothes that I honestly forgot what style was.
Sure, I have a Pinterest board dedicated to all the ridiculously pricey clothes I’d wear if I had the money (including Jack Rodgers, Lilly Pulitzer, Sperry’s, and the rest of your average preppy staples) and I fit them, but I don’t know where to start.
I’m honestly not whining about there being a lack of Plus-Sized representation/merchandise availability among these brands. They market to travelling, higher-salary-earning men and women who eat predominantly kale foods or exquisite cuisine. It makes sense that their clothes wouldn’t be made for my pizza-eating, M&M crunching, Netflix-watching self who can barely afford to shop in Plato’s Closet. I’m not upset about that.
I’m just completely overwhelmed.
Now that I can actually wear these things, I feel like I’m having an identity crisis. No longer am I confined to oversized t-shirts and yoga pants, but I find myself going to them because it’s what I always wore before… They’re comfortable. They’re safe.
Staring at those old clothes in my closet I haven’t worn in three years reminds me of what I wasn’t able to wear… And what I still can’t. Like I said, I can’t fit most of them anymore.
So, over break, I went looking for clothes. And I still came up empty-handed.
First off, I’m not paying extra just because I’m Plus-sized. Like, sure, I know “big boned” isn’t an actual thing, but just because you have to use an extra three inches in fabric to have the shirt expand far enough to fit my chest – because my real problem lies with my chest and my thighs, not my stomach or hips – doesn’t mean that the price should be five dollars extra. Fabric pricing goes by yardage, not inches. Yes, I watch Project Runway. I know these things.
Second off, the limitations are just that: limited. You stores like Lane Bryant and Torrid, refer to paragraph above. Don’t claim to be all cool for Plus-sized when you obviously don’t understand that the average Plus-sized woman doesn’t make millions in record sales every year like Adele or film and television like Melissa. They are outliers in the situation, and they should be treated as such. And I’m sorry, but half of the selection is just overpriced t-shirts and bodycon items. Which leads me to point numero trois:
Don’t assume all Plus-sized women have to be wearing items that accentuate fat rolls. Sure, I’m totally proud of them and confident in them, don’t get me wrong, but maybe I don’t want to feel fabric in between them as I sit down or walk… Hello! I don’t even think average-sized people always should have to be wearing bodycon items, so why should Plus-sized? The same goes for peasant shirts… This isn’t the 70’s! I’m not wearing the same things my mother would! It’s bad enough we’re practically the same size…
For the first time, the reason I had a quiet, teary-eyed breakdown in the far corner of the Plus-sized section of MacArthur’s Forever 21 wasn’t because I couldn’t find anything I wouldn’t sweat through, but instead because nothing seemed to be what I would feel confident, comfortable, and stylish in without having to pay thousands of dollars for.
None of it was me.
I mean it when I said I had an identity crisis. For a brief minute and a half, a thousand images flashed in my mind, causing me to ask myself, “Who am I, really? Do I really love coffee? Do I honestly enjoy going to the beach? Can Lucifer really beat The Darkness on Supernatural?”
“Will I ever actually be able to appear effortless and not actually have to put effort in?”
The answer to that question is no, I will not. I will still have to blow dry and flat iron my hair to make it look halfway decent, and I will still have to wear jeans and a t-shirt to appear “effortlessly comfortable.” I’m never going to be able to tell someone, “Oh, yeah, I just threw this on today,” when someone pays me a compliment on my outfit – which has only ever happened a total of three times (yes, I keep count).
But it’s okay. I’ve accepted who I am and how I’m going to appear to others because if I was supposed to be some other way, I would be.
Which is exactly why I wore a t-shirt and jean shorts today with my hair in a fishtail braid, instead of a dress, like a large portion of the rest of the female population did on this nice, almost-spring day.
Stay classy, Captains!