Hey there! Have you ever been sitting at dinner thinking, “Wow, I’m eating corpses”? No? Well have I got a concept you’re going to categorically hate! If you’re one of the rare people who has had this invasive thought, then maybe veganism is for you. For those of you who don’t know, veganism is selecting not to partake in any animal products. This includes meat, milk, eggs, etc. That’s right, all of the things that taste good – sorry ’bout it. I didn’t make the rules. This lifestyle isn’t for everyone and mostly relies on the strength of the beliefs of those undertaking it. If you think you’re ready to make the plunge, there are a few things you’re going to learn, and I am here to tell you what’s what.
1. Congrats! You’ve just betrayed everyone!
You know your best friend? What about your mom? You know how you stay up late talking about the virtues of pasteurized cow milk and cold cuts with each of them? You don’t? That’s odd because they sure do. When you go vegan there are going to be people in your life that seem genuinely hurt by your abstinence from meat products. Although it doesn’t affect them or your relationship with them in any real way, they feel a weird sense of irrational betrayal. It’s almost as if they were butchers or something. I get it, animal products and their consumption are a fundamental part of many traditions, holidays, and social gatherings, but that doesn’t mean the joys of said occasions need to be tied to that mutual consumption. You’re going to need to explain to your loved ones how they can eat meat all day and you’ll be right by their side eating something like pinecones or grass clippings instead.
2. You now eat pinecones and grass clippings!
Since you’ve decided to be a complete disappointment to everyone around you by being a vegan, you’re going to have to pay the price. That’s right, you now have to eat pinecones and also dirt. Oh wait, that’s not the case? Could have fooled me, because when people found out I was vegan they acted like I was about to graze on the savanna like an impala. While I may be equally as elegant and strikingly unique as an impala, that’s where the comparisons end. This thought is so pervasive that my mother called me the day after I went vegan to make sure I had not starved to death. Vegans can really enjoy a rich and varied diet that doesn’t utilize animal products. If you’re willing to cook there’s a vegan substitute for almost any recipe, and most restaurants offer at least a few items that are vegan friendly.
3. You are officially a pompous jerk! Way to ruin Thanksgiving, Skip!
Now that you’re a vegan, it’s time to start being mean to people! As a vegan, I find it most effective to wait at the bottom of the down-escalator at the mall and spray red paint at people on their way to purchase leather products with a super soaker; those murderers! At least, that’s what I would do if I were a complete jag. Yes, I understand the stereotype that vegans are militant, self-righteous, socially tone-deaf spoiled brats, but let’s try to not automatically characterize an entire group of people. I’m not a vegan because I feel superior to you. I felt that way long before I became a vegan (BURN). I know it might seem dramatic, but I’ve received a strangely high and automatic level of negative feedback for being a vegan. I know what you’re thinking… “Skip, 1. You’re so cute… I think I’m in love. 2. You must be exaggerating, people really aren’t rude to vegans, right?” Well my secret admirer, it’s even worse than you could imagine. The following is a real exchange I had with someone:
Skip: “So, I’m trying to be vegan.”
Someone: “I want you dead, hippie scum.”
4. Once you write an article about being vegan for Her Campus, you will probably stop being vegan!
Well friends, now that I’ve been a vegan for two weeks, I’m officially an expert (see above). In true showman fashion I’ve saved the most important information for last. Since most of my experiences are universal, this should be no different for all of you. Based on a sample of one person (me), 100% of vegans admitted that they mainly did this whole vegan thing to write a funny article with a weird ending. So after you finish your brief trendy stint as a vegan, I recommend a swift trip to Wing Bistro to regain your dominion over the fish in the sea and birds in the sky.