If you’re anything like me, you’ve lived a life of gluttony and sloth. Also a bit of pride. Probably some greed and envy thrown in there for good measure. You know what, to be safe, let’s just say you’ve reveled in all seven deadly sins, and you’ve had a great time doing it.
It means you’ve got some great stories to tell, but it also means you’ll be left behind on earth when the rapture comes and all the good people are sucked up to heaven, alien abduction style. You’ll be one of the last people on earth, which can be heartbreakingly lonely. Luckily, it also means that you can get some pretty sweet digs rent-free: here are seven that appeal to me.
1. Shopping mall
I feel like everyone’s thought about this at least once. You can wear a new outfit every day thanks all the clothing stores. You can eat at the food court. You can ride that one kid ride where it looks like you’re on a rollercoaster. You can sleep in those weird sleep number stores. You can go into Hot Topic without shame. It’s a win-win-win-win-win situation.
2. Museum
If you’ve ever read that book where the kids run away and live in a museum, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You could climb on dinosaur bones! Sleep in 17th century beds! Stare into a stuffed Dodo’s eyes while contemplating the heart crushing extinction of the human race! Throw the Dodo over a balcony and fulfill its dream of being a flying! The possibilities are endless.
3. Amusement park
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There will finally be no lines! There will also be no one operating the rides, but that’s nothing a little determination and button-pressing can’t figure out. In addition to the rides, there are plenty of restaurants, claw machines, squirt gum games, and skee-ball lanes to keep you occupied.
4. Hotel
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At long last, you can press all the buttons in the hotel elevator. You’ll also have access to so many rooms that you’d never have to clean up again. Spill your chocolate milkshake all over the floor? Simply grab your bag and head over to the next room. You can also go swimming in the indoor swimming pool and try to climb on top of the lobby chandelier.
5. Costco
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Unlike some of the other entries on this list, living in a Costco actually makes sense. Literally everything you need is right there, so you don’t have to tie your belongings to a stick and hit the road every time you want to eat a cold can of beans. Plus, if there are any other hedonistic sinners wandering around your town, they’ll probably find their way to Costco eventually. Yay, friendship!
6. A celebrity’s mansion
The rapture is a great opportunity to live it up in your favorite celebrity’s mansion, wearing their clothes and laughing at their baby pictures. Unfortunately, a lot of mansions will still be occupied because the absurd accumulation of wealth in a poverty-stricken world is inherently immoral. But there might be a few good eggs mixed in there, so you’ll probably have a few mansions to peruse.
7. The White House
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Listen. The people who live in the White House will still be here if the rapture happens. Let’s just collectively confront that reality. But you know who won’t be here anymore? The hundreds of hardworking janitors, maids, and lawn workers dedicated to keeping the white house in tiptop shape. All the politicians who usually roam the halls will have run home, leaving the presidential parlor up for grabs. You can draw mustaches on the portraits of founding fathers. You can replace the American flags with beach towels covered in brightly-colored fish. You can take a sledgehammer to those pillars, just to see what happens. In short, you can do all the things our presidents have been too cowardly to do.
All of these would be pretty cool places to live. I hope that dude with the sign on my street corner is right and the rapture is upon us, because I am READY.