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This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Clark chapter.

Tom Brady is 42 years old and an incredible quarter back in the NFL. Clearly, he’s doing something differently than the rest of us. 

He’s sacrificing a literal goat to a forgotten deity

The deity is incredibly appreciative and made him the GOAT in exchange for all the goats. The deity likes the pun. Kind of like the deity that Patton Oswalt talks about. 

Gisele Caroline Bündchen is magic

Tom Brady is just forever young due to contact with her aura. 

He’s an avid follower of the “Goop” lifestyle method.

He regularly sprays “Psychic Vampire Repellent” before he walks into a room. 


But only cheat days.

There’s a selfie somewhere where the Tom Brady in it is slowly aging

a la Dorian Gray

He bathes in ritually purified liquified amethyst

He used to burn sage but since it’s going extinct, he refrains. 

He eats 30 avocados a day.

Preferably on toast. Sometimes whole.

He looks at his 2000 combine statistics. 

Every night. And then he forces his cells to stop deteriorating with sheer force of will.

This article is intended to be taken as comedy and none of the theories presented should be taken as real opinions. 

She is a Junior and majoring in International Development and Social Change. PC: Rose Wine Photography