We have all typed in our life-threatening symptoms in the Google search bar before and clicked on the first result, WebMD, the website where your little cough is actually lung cancer, and your paper cut, if not treated right, may lead to a finger amputation. The possibilities are endless for what you may have concurred, but what if your illness isn’t just a mild cold? Have you ever fallen “ill” without simply washing your hands? Look no further, Dr. Hattie is to the rescue to diagnose and treat all of the sick girls out there.
1. Symptoms: Dry, bloodshot eyes. Fatigue. Dead laptop battery.
Diagnosis: Netflix Addict.
This illness usually begins with just an episode or so, until the whole season is watched, along with all of the “Similar to this Title” movies. Although it takes quite some time to acquire, 100% of all watchers are at risk for this illness. Once the symptoms have begun, there is no hope for it to end until completion.
Prevention: Shut down your laptop, take some eye drops and go socialize…yes, that’s still a thing
2. Symptoms: Greasy, stringy hair. Oily scalp. Excessive wearing of baseball hats.
Diagnosis: Dry Shampoo Overload.
Laziness and risk are two major components that cause these symptoms. Though dry shampoo can be a wonderful thing, but when used to the extreme can lead to the daunting BAD HAIR DAY. Patients who are reported to have this illness enter and leave the shower with dry hair for days on end.
Prevention: Thoroughly wash hair, let air dry and prevent living by the motto, “if it doesn’t feel dirty, why should I wash it?”
3. Symptoms: Sensitivity to light. Sudden amnesia of the past 12 hours. Wearing clothes from the night before. Excessive amounts of mascara under eyes.
Diagnosis: The Hangover.
Excessive drinking can lead to this daunting diagnosis. It usually occurs in the morning and forces the ill person to take a hard look at their lives, even though they know they will have the same feeling again and again…and then again. Take caution if you have fallen to this illness on the day of a big interview or family gathering.
Prevention: Keep a tally of drinks and set a limit for yourself. Sounds cliché and simple, right? On the contrary, you just wait, Dr. Hattie always knows best.
4. Symptoms: Chocolate ice cream cravings, puffy eyes, urges to write Nicholas Sparks thank you letters, inability to change song from “Last Kiss” by Taylor Swift.
Diagnosis: The Break-Up
This illness is one of few that has no medicine except for time. The sickness has no known duration, it is dependent on the severity of events prior to symptoms. 47 percent of girls have reported experiencing one or more of these symptoms from the list, while 100 percent of boys have experienced one…Taylor Swift.
Prevention: Adopt the mindset that you are a B. A. B. who doesn’t need a man to complete her!
5. Symptoms: Sore thumbs. No sense of direction except for left and right. Overuse of pick-up lines. PTSD from matching with your best friend’s brother.
Diagnosis: Tinder Obsessed.
Apps can cause just as much damage to our bodies as not washing your hands. The first exposure starts when the app is downloaded onto the device, and after that, it is free game. Similar to the Netflix addict, it takes some time to acquire. When it becomes a second nature to send your number out to a complete stranger, the obsession has fully spread to its entirety.
Prevention: Stick with face to face interaction. Limit right swipes strictly to Hollister models only.