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The Ex-Files

[All opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author.]

To My Dear Collegiettes,

Let’s be completely honest here—most of us have those people in our lives that we used to be head over heels for, but now have to stick the lovely word “ex” in front of their previous “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” titles. It sounds yucky, doesn’t it? It’s crazy how much things change; one second you know everything about the person and then the next…. poof. They’re just gone from your life. Many times this is for the better; after all, sometimes people need to break up so they can find who they are truly compatible with. Sometimes, it is the right person and just bad timing. What really bothers me, though, is when people hate on or complain about their ex-boyfriends constantly. Hey, to a certain degree, you have the right to be upset, especially if they hurt you. If that was the case, then I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Getting hurt by somebody and having to move on from it is never easy. Yet, I do think we should all retain a certain degree of respect for our exes, because after all…we did choose to date them. True, we may have not chosen whether we fell for them or not, but I still think that if somebody truly meant something to you at some point of your life, then you should always take the high road in regards to them, even if they can’t do the same. We learn something from every relationship we’re in, and if anything, each relationship we’re in just gets us ready for our perfect match. Besides, when you want to complain about your ex, think about it this way: it could have been SO MUCH WORSE! So before you go and post that spiteful Tweet or Facebook status taking a stab at your ex, here is a list of ways to help you realize your relationship could have sucked more (and hopefully make you feel slightly better about actually dating somebody with some morals):

1) He could have cheated on you.

2) He could have cheated on you with your friend.

3) He could have broken up with you by e-mail, phone call, text message, carrier pigeon, a Howler (okay…so maybe that only happens in Harry Potter…), etc.

4) Your ex could have pulled an Eat, Pray, Love and left you for pasta in Italy, an ashram in India, and a sexy Brazilian man in Indonesia.

5) American Psycho. Enough said.

6) Or worse, your ex could have been Kathy Bates in Misery.

7) Or Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.

8) Your ex could have been Kanye West and dumped you because he thought Beyoncé was better.

9) Your ex could have been invisible (I think some people probably prefer that post-relationship, but oh well…)

10) Your ex could have been one of Lord Voldemort’s horcruxes.

11) Your whole relationship could have just been a dream (yep, I totally just went all Inception on you right there).

12) Your ex could be Taylor Swift and they could’ve written and recorded a mean song completely carving you.

13) Your ex could have been Bruce Willis and been dead the whole relationship. I see dead people…?

14) Your ex could have talked about Fight Club.

15) Your ex could’ve been “A”, a la Pretty Little Liars.

16) Your ex could have been Pitbull and could have screamed “DALE! CULO! MR. WORLDWIDE! MR. 305! MIAMI!”… The whole. Freaking. Time. You. Dated.

17) Your ex could have dumped you for Jack Daniels. Or Captain Morgan.

18) You could have just realized that you never actually had a boyfriend or girlfriend and you were just cuddling one of your 27 cats during the duration of your “relationship.”

19) Your ex could be Justin Bieber and could be under the illusion that he has “swag.”

These are just a few reasons why you shouldn’t waste your time hating on your ex. Don’t give them the benefit of knowing you still care. Honestly, as far as I’m concerned, it’s not like they deserve that kind of attention.

And hey…if your ex applies to more than 5 of these…then I am beyond sorry you dated a terrible weirdo who can’t appreciate you. Respect what you had, remember that you both cared for each other at one point, and leave it at that. After all, exes are best left where they were found: in the past.

HCXO,

Alex
 

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