I have a kind of unconventional way of living life. I like to think that perfect days are all about things being completely in order and making sense. I like to start my weeks with a calendar filled with plans, classes, and exact times and dates scheduled for everyone and everything. I like seeing my calendar pop up on my computer every morning and tell me what to do—it makes me feel secure. I think of each day as a fresh beginning for a new opportunity, a better year, a perfect life; to me, a better week starts with Monday and ends on Sunday, no coasting in between or living Monday to Friday. I make myself believe that if I did not accomplish anything on Sunday, it’s okay because Monday is just around the corner and I can start planning another perfect week in my sacred calendar. The crazy part is not just trying to fit everything in my calendar or to make sticky notes for the millions of responsibilities that I have every day, though. The crazy part is that I convince myself that I have everything under control. I attach myself to my calendar, connecting it to my iPhone so that I can always reach every corner of my to-do list and every color-coded single sticky note. Purple sticky notes are for goals, things like ”Do well in school,” ”Look for a better job,” ”Get it together,” ” Be a better person,” ” Worry about your family more” and ”Educate yourself.” Some people might read this and admire me while others will ask me why the hell I made time to make a sticky note full of resolutions that might never fulfill a purpose.
When I look at my sticky notes, I feel like my heart collapses every time I read every single sentence. For example, when I read ” exercise more,” I giggle and lose myself in the idea of feeling and looking better. When I read my sticky notes every Monday, I feel like my body is receiving a big hug or a winter coat that keeps me warm as I head out into the chilly morning. They makes me feel complete, like I belong to my soul. They make me feel less vulnerable about my life. They simply make me feel in control. I can’t count how many sticky notes are on my laptop or how many reminders I have set for everything. You wouldn’t believe how many sticky notes I own; Target is probably a very happy camper just because of how many I have purchased over the past three years. Having a schedule and a timeline makes feel like I can conquer every obstacle in my life. It gives me a map to my destination every day. At the same time, this absurd obsession with time, deadlines, punctuality means that I spend every Sunday night on my couch punishing myself for all the things I didn’t do, for every bit of time I didn’t take advantage of, and for all of the things I will have to do at the last minute.
I always used to think spontaneity was my last name and, while a little bit of this spontaneity still remains in me, this idea of having everything under control is all-consuming. It has brought me deception, pain and a lot of disappointment with myself and others.
I crave for every aspect of my life to be organized in files and binders and preferably highlighted. Every file has to have name, years and specific labels like “Important – due today – fairly urgent – take care of it now.” I have to know where I stand with every part of my life, with every person in my life, and with every part of my body and spirit. I also have to know the reasons why everything occurs in life. I have to have a trashcan next to my bed where I can put the things that no longer do me good, and where I can imagine putting those people who should no longer be part of my archives for one reason or another. I’d like this trashcan to be a shredder so that things can be destroyed and far from my reach. Using recycling cans, hiding things under my bed or in the corner of my closet, unfollowing, blocking, or deleting people or things on my computer or phone just doesn’t do the trick for me. I am so obsessed with perfection to the point that I try to give everything in life my all. I also like to pretend that I am good at letting things go in the same way, even though I’m not…BUT I’m good at faking it.
I wake up every morning hoping to come up with the perfect outfit according to the weather in less than five minutes, I get the shower ready and brush my teeth for no longer than three minutes. If I can’t stick to my schedule, I automatically assume Monday is going to be a horrible day because I didn’t do things on the clock. I have to do things at precise times…getting in the shower at 9:32 is just not right! Why? How in the world do I know? I must have everything for my day planned by the time I get out of the shower or I will automatically be late for my first class (which I always am because being so methodic just doesn’t always work out with my life.) I get on my laptop and meticulously check my email, my classes, Facebook, Instagram…everything in the same order everyday. Now that I’ve told you a small part of my ridiculous way of handling life, it’s safe to explain why this knowing exactly what your next move is going to be is not the best way to hide the feeling of not being in control.
One of the things that has always tormented me is the lack of control I have over the people in my life. You would think that my obsessive behavior would be able to dictate the path of every relationship I have, but not everything is meant to be controlled. This breaks all the rules I’ve ever known. I never know where I stand with people, I never know what they think and want from me, and I can only put someone on a pedestal for so long before I start losing the thought of who I am and who I become when I’m around that person. It is almost impossible to know the love others have for you or the importance and impact that you have made in their lives. It is almost impossible for the feelings between people to not change over time, whether it is for better or for worse. No matter how much control you have over how many times you snooze your alarm every morning or over the outfit you pick for Monday, some situations and connections just change overtime. I have finally come to the realization that you must learn to let these situations take control of you.
Trying to be in control of your life can sometimes be the most rewarding feeling, but other times it leaves you with emptiness and confusion. There is only so much you can know about the weather, people, and situations you will encounter everyday. One day I wake up happy and the other one moody. One day I want to sleep in all day and others I want to run at midnight. Some days I love myself and appreciate my efforts and other days I just blame myself for not following my calendar before going to bed. The beauty of being human is not in being able to control everything at once. The beauty is in being able to love yourself for the things that you do and the for the people around you instead of methodically trying to fix everything and everyone in your life. That is why I always have to remind myself that there is only so much I can do in 12 hours—there is only so much love I can give, only so much of my heart I can offer. There is nothing you can do to control the things that others and life throw at you.
Paula is giving advice on college life! Have a question for her? Click here to submit it!