Whether you have strong religious convictions or just detest the taste of Capri Sun’s wild cousin, here you are at a party, sober. Yeah, you could probably post un-apologetic pictures on your Snapchat story and understand all of the jokes in a Jane Austen novel. You’re still ready to get turnt, metaphorically. Let the night begin.
10:00 pm
Time to head out. We totally blend into the OC suburban neighborhoods dressed in promiscuous assembles you’d find from Party City.
10:15 pm
Thank you Kaitlin for alerting me not once, but eleven times, to look out for that one car on the horizon before I cross the street. My carcass would have probably joined that smashed banana’s on the road if I did not heed to your warning.
10:30 pm
Are there usually this many body guards at the front of the house? Is Barack Obama inside singing about how he don’t got no type?
10:45 pm
Why is anyone whose testosterone even slightly outweighs their estrogen levels yelling the same three words over and over?
10:55 pm
My popularity has suddenly surged 150%.
11:00 pm
Yes, classmate from Microeconomics, I will attend your wedding.
11:15 pm
My friends are finally getting my jokes!
11:30 pm
Omg, girl, don’t even worry about remembering my name, I’m so bad with names too. Except I actually have a pretty great memory and am going to enthusiastically wave to you tomorrow at brunch while you grab your tater tots and run away.
11:45 pm
Everyone keeps touching me like I’m a sample soap bar at Lush.
12:00 am
Where’s my crew? Where am I? I don’t care that this house is one story and the pool is the whole backyard, they should have provided a map.
12:10 am
No, dude, my boyfriend and your math test are not both things we can cheat on.
12:25 am
Everyone’s ice breakers are getting a little more….charming.
12:45 am
While you tell me your sexual and expletive secrets, I’m going to nod and say “cute” every other minute.
1:00 am
Why is everyone falling down like they’re in the trailer for 2012? Please guys, I only have two arms.
1:20 am
Guys, no, I’m really tired. And I’m trying to save my gut and money. Please, let’s just eat tomorrow morning.
2:00 am
Why am I eating 20 Mcnuggets on my bed and watching Gossip Girl.