Things I Don't Understand

People who line up early to board the plane like their life depends on it.

Okay, so I do understand if you’re flying on an airline where seating is first come, first served. But why on earth are people so eager to get on the plane as quickly as possible?  I swear people practically jump out of their skin and into line at the sight of the flight receptionist grabbing the microphone within forty minutes of their boarding time. You know she’s just calling Martha Bullwinkle to tell her she’s been upgraded to upper-but-still-pretty-awful economy class seating.

Seriously though, if your flight is scheduled to board at 9:00pm and you’re twitching anxiously, standing at the queue with your obnoxious neck pillow and 10-year-old whiny dinosaur-obsessed kid at 8:30pm, you have a problem. The plane is not going to leave without you, and getting to sit in your aisle seat for 30 minutes while other people boarding accidentally bang you in the knees and face with their luggage is no fun. And while you can try to explain to me that you want the overhead compartment space closest to your seat, if you’d just brought a bag that actually fit the space requirements described by the airline, you could sit peacefully with it below the seat in front of you, giving you easy access to it and all of it’s goodies for the entire flight without having to get up.

Uber drivers who insist on telling you their entire life stories.

I’m sure you’ve called a lonely Uber for yourself at one time or another at college, whether it’s for a ride to the airport or a ride home from a low key Wine Wednesday. Maybe it’s just me, but when this Uber arrives for my solitary self, I want to sit in the backseat and eat a complimentary mint and scroll through social media quietly until I get to where I’m going. Usually, after some obligatory small talk, the driver will sense my mood and leave me to quietly scroll for the rest of the ride. However, every once in a while, you’ll get that that driver who takes your silence as a cue to launch into their full backstory, complete with tales of their failed career as a tax broker and how that stain on their backseat is from a particularly rowdy Uber ride.

I once had a 25-year-old struggling comedian who proceeded to treat me as his audience for the night, making snarky, offensive jokes about women and understated racist remarks I couldn’t help but gape at. I WANTED A WABA GRILL BEEF RICE BOWL, NOT A LESSON IN HOW TO OFFEND SOMEONE IN UNDER 30 SECONDS. While having a chatty Uber driver on the way to a party with a big group of gals can be entertaining and fun, when you’re alone, it can get pretty uncomfortable.

People who think Android products are the second coming.

If you tell me you haven’t met this guy, I probably won’t believe you. He seems like just a normal guy in your class. He might even be funny and cute. But he has a dark secret: he thinks iPhones are the devil.

You probably have an iPhone, because it’s easy to use and practically everybody has one.  But there are people out there who really, sincerely believe iPhones are horrible, horrible devices, and that Androids are the reigning queens. While I’m not here to tell you what kind of phone to choose, have you ever actually gotten a Snapchat from an Android phone?? It literally looks like it was filmed with a Keurig coffee maker in the middle of a tornado. But if you tell the Android advocate this, he’ll spew so many facts about microprocessors and app loading time and other strangely technical anomalies you’ll wish you had never even asked in the first place.

Why are men never seen eating yogurt?

Do they not need the nutrients? Do they not like the taste?  Do they think the color and texture is suggestive of a certain bodily fluid? Are they afraid eating it in public will cause all other males to question why they’ve never eaten yogurt and in turn create complete anarchy in the dairy aisle?

I was watching Friends the other day (surprise, surprise) and I noticed Chandler was sitting on the couch, eating yogurt. They were joking about his sexuality, and although they didn’t mention the yogurt in his hand, I couldn’t help but notice it’s presence. Is yogurt immasculine? I’ve seen men eating phallic bananas shamelessly hundred of times, but never yogurt. This leads me to thinking that it’s not the genetic makeup of the food that’s turning them off, it’s the marketing. Maybe Jamie Lee Curtis should create a man-geared Activia.