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Pets That Can Double As Your Boyfriend

Maybe your man is far away, or he exists on a One Direction poster in your room. You’re cuddle-frustrated and need a snuggle partner – we got you. Here are pets according to your ideal type of guy.

The Athlete

You Need: A Dog

Whether you want to wave a sign on the bleachers or run past the yard lines right by his side, you want a bae with lots of energy. You will show off his agility ribbons to your friends while they brag about football championships. But you all know zigzagging through twenty cones without knocking one down is the real determinent of a true man. 

The Shy, Introverted Artist

You Need: A Cat

You love the chase… as your arms are in a permanent extended position towards your cuddle buddy that simply cannot get far enough away from you. He just wants to be alone, tending to his film thesis project or napping.

The Bad Boy

You Need: A Snake

He’s got that dangerous look in his eyes that would make Taylor Swift write a whole album. His unpredictable bites are sure to keep a woman on her toes. 

The Musician

You Need: A Bird

You detest silence and crave sweet melodies to fill your eardrums 24/7. Just like how your heart melts listening to your boo practice the G chord on his guitar for eight straight hours, your stomach will flutter at the choir of cacaws emitting from the bird cage at two o’clock in the morning.

The Popular Bro

You Need: A Monkey

This guy isn’t afraid to strut up to you at a frat party and impress you with his tricks, like moving his opposable thumbs. He can then take you back to his conservatory and flaunt you to the gang. The next day you’ll laugh with your friends over how he offered you a banana even though it was way too soon to be ripe. 

The Mysterious Guy

You Need: A Venus Fly Trap

His sealed lips tempt you. The ambiguity of who he is and his past drives you into restless daydreams. There might be a dark secret behind his stern stare and grey business suits, or he could just eat flies.

The Guy Next Door

You Need: A Hamster

He’s the guy on your culdesac who you used to ride Razor Scooters with. He’s the Chase to your Zoey, the Ron to your Kim Possible. The first friend you’ve ever made from the opposite gender is now a man with a drivers license and needs a date to his frat formal. He summons the courage to invite you for a romantic evening at Olive Garden, but all the meatball sauce he gets on his cheeks only reminds you that you used to compare booger sizes with this guy.

The Prepster

You Need: A Horse

His lush, conditioned mane serves for no competition with the other men’s Calvin Klein sweaters at the country club. You’ll go for morning strolls on the shore by your seaside cottage and enjoy continental breakfasts of croissants, sliced fruit, and hay together.

The Humanitarian

You Need: A Frog
 
 
You will both feed each other a GMO-free granola bar as you sit in on a protest to save the Amazon Rainforest. His eco-friendly habitat utilizing solar-energy lamps makes you want to blog about your love to the world. You’ll both then float on a lilypad and dream about a future in which all chickens graze free and college cafeterias have more vegan cookies.
 
The “Tough” Guy
 
You Need: A Hedgehog
 
 
His prickly exterior makes you want to poke and prod to see what’s beneath. Some tickles and a scratch behind the ear and a Gerard Butler rom-com reveal the softie behind those quills.
 
The Romantic
 
You Need: A Sheep
 
 
You want somebody whose activity agenda ends at cuddling. His comfy wool will warm your heart, and the both of you could frolick in soft green pastures for eternity as The Beatles’ “I Want To Hold Your Hand” plays on repeat.
 
The Hard Worker

You Need: Ants

A man could build a chair for you, but these guys could construct an empire in your honor. In relationships, you demand to be treated like how England treats Kate Middleton. You appreciate effort, which you reward with an endless supply of kisses, or Cheez-Its to feed the colony.

The Nerd

You Need: Shamu

He’s smart and knows how to whip out that tail, or series of cheat codes. Shamu may have been the geeky calf back in the channels of the Atlantic Ocean, but his IQ has now earned him fame and the hearts of people across the globe. He could probably afford to pay for your lobster, too.

The Guy Who Can Cook

You Need: A Sea Sponge

You drool over the young stud contestants on Iron Chef, and secretly wished Remy from Ratatoille was actually Zac Efron. Your dreams can be granted by adopting a sea sponge, who will always prepare you a plate of Krabby Patties with an enthusiastic smile on his face. And don’t forget grandma sea sponge’s chocolate chip cookies.

 

Talents: Spending money on skirts and burgers
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