Some Thoughts on Sunglasses

If, like me, you’ve been skipping class as often as possible in order to spend your afternoons outdoors, then you’ve probably noticed that the weather has gotten nicer.

It’s time to break out those lawn blankets, rediscover your short shorts and probably purchase a new bottle of sunscreen.

Those items, of course, and the ever-present sunny day accessory: the sunglasses.

Sunglasses, I’ll admit, are a pretty neat invention. For starters, I look good in them. They hide the squinty part of my face, so I look especially cute when I smile. They’re super customizable and fit a lot of different looks, so you can show off your personality easily. And, if you keep an eye on the bottom of the swimming pool or along the beach during summer, you can probably find a good free pair anyway.

Here’s my biggest thing about sunglasses, though: I hate wearing them.

You go out and things are a little too bright, so you put them on and then what? The entire world loses its color. You’re seeing everything in a brown tint like some sepia-toned, old-timey photograph, or you have the black lenses that make everything look all gray and drab, or you went for the fun-colored lenses because they looked super cute in the store, but now everything, everything, is some god-awful shade of pink, and that is just not the way the world looks.

What’s more, they rub against your face, which is irritating as hell. Could I possibly get used to the feeling if I wore them long enough? Probably. But I don’t have that kind of patience or attention span.

They’re also, like, stupid easy to break and so easy to lose, so what’s even the point of splurging on a good pair? Miss me with those designer shades.

And worst of all, if they have those little nose grommets (which probably have a real name, but I’m going to go with nose grommet) and you take them off and perch them on your head for even a second, you can say good-bye to the ponytail you had comfortably styled upon your head. They snag whatever style you’ve got, and then you have to yank out a perfectly good hairdo and start over.

Look, reader, I have very light blue eyes and spend a lot of time outdoors in the direct sunlight. I have a whole drawer full of sunglasses. I have every reason to be riding high up on the shades bandwagon, but I cannot get myself to like them.

Will I probably go blind by age forty-three? Most likely. But at least the trees will still look the right shade of green and the half-up-half-down thing that I spent seven seconds on this morning will stay intact.

Am I completely overreacting or does anyone else agree?